
A friend was asking me how do I define "romance". [In fact, lots of friends tease me about my cold-stone-self, and ask if I have a romantic bone in my body.]
The truth is, while I do keep love and romance separated in my mind, if I had to describe my inner self, I would have to admit, I am by all measures, an "Ever Eternal Romantic".
I love a good love-story, even though I find most of them to be completely lacking in reality, and as much as I scoff at lovers and romance, I do wish I could be cupid, even if my powers would last only one night or day.
My idea of a perfect romance novel is something like Wuthering Heights, where only death can make one's souls' desire rest... or Jane Eyre, where a life of profound hardship ends in marriage to what else? A blind man.
So how does romance fit in the mind of someone who does not believe love can last or be trusted?
Easily... I believe much fun can be had in romantic settings, especially if the company you are keeping has a very disturbed sense of humor. Where love may change, laughs are laughs, and as far as I'm concerned, there is nothing better than a really good belly-laugh.
For instance, I believe romance is best when it's not at all taken seriously. I think chugging beers from a three foot funnel is fun and romantic. I think putting out candles, setting flowers, lighting fires and drinking wine is a great time for a female friend who never gets to experience those things with a man. I think going to a really tacky restaurant and sitting in a corner making fun of the decor is an ideal setting for "getting to know you". I think eating dinner on fine china all by myself is romantic.
Romance to me is a spirit of letting loose, so I think there are lots of very fun and safe ways to be romantic without being so deathly serious about "love" and "keeping one's company".
I would love to know how others create "romance" in their lives... and I would love to know if there are others who think you can have romance, without the heavy pressure of "love" thrust upon you.
For RAD's and non-RAD's... what does romance in an ordinary life really mean?
Comments
Romance... for the RAD
IMO, honesty is the first step in romance. Knowing something about someone makes it easier to be romantic
with or toward that person. I think perfume and sly flirting is romantic. My friend is not predictable with her
romantic self. She will just say hi and quickly turn to go, and every time, her guy comes after her in one way or
another. Being non-readable makes it harder for someone else to take advantage of you. Always honest, but
unpredictable. For instance:
My friend went to the workplace of someone she REALLY likes; gave him homemade cookies; talked for two minutes
and said, see ya... As she was pulling out of the lot, her cell phone rang and it was him, coming out the door. He said,
you forgot ....... (fill in the blank) but he didn't bring it to her; instead, he said, come on back in and get it. He's a very
gentlemanly man and this was his way (and hers; she left that something) of showing his interest.
I'm out to be romantic tonight. My friend and I are going out for supper and to WalMart. I smell good and have on a top
that is very interesting with a round peep hole at the breast line.
Later
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy
in the first-person
"Romance", or a romantic gesture given by another person used to be, in my mind, the litmus test of how I was doing in any given intimate relationship. In other words, if I was "good", and I was "appreciated", I would know because my partner would reward me with a romantic gesture. [That's how demented sex and romance used to be for me. I would "serve" with the hopes that some crumbs of reward would be given to show I was liked or cared about.] Meanwhile, as I got older, I realized I really didn't know how to be romantic. I knew how to be thoughtful and friendly; I knew how to assume a role that focused on duty and obligation, but when it came to one-on-one "romance", I would get very scared and shy because my feelings were all stuffed into empty vacuums of fear, insecurity, and dread. If I knew sex was on the mind of the other person, I would quickly detach and assume the role I knew I had to become. I hated when sex became the goal, because it made me feel like a piece of meat and no longer a person with thoughts, feelings and needs.
I have been working really hard on defining my thoughts and feelings regarding sex, love and romance, because I know my beliefs and actions are based on really twisted experiences, so I'm still really new with main-stream thinking. For instance, I'm trying not to see romance as being something I would give to someone, but rather see romance as being something I myself should experience.
In other words, I don't think I have ever felt romanced by a guy before, so I need to know what it is that makes me feel pretty and different, and not at all like the disgusting slug I often feel like I am. I have come to realize I don't want to play a role anymore, I want to be an active participant in my own happiness, so I'm learning how to romance myself in a way that teaches me how to like what I see in the mirror and feel special and good about myself. [I know that sounds queer, but for one who never "felt" things before, I believe teaching myself how to feel certain things like personal inner-confidence is critical to my own well-being.]
For instance, I think part of feeling romantic is feeling good about yourself, and wanting to share that with another person. This "feeling good about myself" is something I'm still learning how to do. I can bake, I can cook, and I can do all sorts of utilitarian things that can easily impress someone else, but I have lots of trouble feeling good and confident about myself. I need to learn how to feel pretty, and I need to remember confidence comes from within. I need to learn how to appreciate the parts of me I want others to appreciate, and this is very scary to me, because it makes me feel like I'm opening myself up to criticism and rejection. The good news is, I AM learning how to take care of myself, and I am learning there are lots of ways I can treat myself without feeling like I have to sacrifice a huge chunk of myself to another person just to get the crumbs of pleasure I now know I want and deserve.
Giving and getting...
Kerry said: "without feeling like I have to sacrifice a huge chunk of myself to another person just to get the crumbs of pleasure I now know I want and deserve."
This is sort of the attitude I took last night while being in a man's "company.". I realized I had a different mind-set
than all the years and men before. I didn't have to perform. I didn't have to give any more to the evening than I chose to, and
it was surprisingly a pleasant time.
Having those numb feelings worked for me, for a change. I made decisions that were for my benefit instead of always making sure the other person was happy.
Talking to a man about my damage and then hearing his, was very interesting and helpful. But one thing I've noticed is, no
matter the age of the man, they all have an ego, and the need to feel manly. Before, I would read this as my duty to, as
Kerry said, "sacrifice a huge chunk of myself," but for a change, I didn't feel that way at all. That's the good part... The not so good part was that I found myself detaching, once more. I tried so hard to feel the hugs; the kisses were very pleasant and not at all icky as I thought they would be; but the best thing of all was just sitting and holding hands, feeling soft warm skin that was very comforting. I didn't feel anything like arousal; but I wasn't surprised. It was a very sweet time with no obligation to be what I'm not.
I understand what you are saying, Kerry, about, "having lots of trouble feeling good and confident about myself." and that I have to, "learn how to romance myself in a way that teaches me how to like what I see in the mirror and feel special and good about myself." Will this help me to accept this man's words? He was very complimentary and said so many things
about me that brought a, "thank you," from me, but I didn't really feel the sweet words. Accepting and liking me: will it
help me believe the words I hear?
You said, "I need to learn how to appreciate the parts of me I want others to appreciate, and this is very scary to me, because it makes me feel like I'm opening myself up to criticism and rejection." Tell me what has helped you the most
to appreciate the parts of you that you want others to appreciate?
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy
finding Me
Before I share what has helped me appreciate myself, let me tell you where I was before I started.
I had no sense of my own image. I would look in a mirror, and see no body. Correction... I saw a face I did not recognize, and I saw flesh that made me want to scream.
I had no sense of sensitivity towards my own self. I could literally touch my skin, and not feel it. I could have someone pull my hair and not wince in any show of discomfort.
I was numb to all that I felt and saw because I was always told how I should think and feel.
Small details were not my own. Clothes I wore were the choosing of others, because my own taste would be criticized. Perfume I wore was based on what others liked, not what I would have liked for myself Things like that ruled my very being. The only creative side I was able to keep was the pink stethascope I wore at work, and even THAT people mocked and made fun of.
My sensitivities and pain are deep, so not knowing who I am or what I like was a complete mystery, one I can't help but feel ashamed to admit.
That being confessed... a few years ago I worked part-time in a store where I was exposed to all sorts of things I used to dream of owning. Thanks to the encouragement made by a few very special friends I made, I slowly began to realize I COULD allow myself the pleasure of buying some things for myself. I bought things based on texture and scent, and I made sure whatever I kept was for me and for me alone. I was not buying to please someone else, I was buying to make me feel something I never felt before: happy and pleased with the way I looked or smelled.
I want to respond to a comment you made:
A few weeks ago my friend and I were talking about how healing a hug could feel, IF we allow ourselves to be vulnerable to the surrender it requires to relax and actually FEEL the warmth of another human being. I have learned if I let myself go, (HUGE control issues here...), I CAN experience something that can only be described as tangible home. It doesn't happen often, but when it does... it feels so good, I could almost cry.
I'm glad you were able to experience the feelings that go with a warm touch... that says to me you are on the path towards healing, so I am very happy for you. Congratulations on a very lovely evening spent with an "old" friend! (I hope you will find yourself wanting to experience that "openness" again, knowing it may or may not happen as you remembered it being or feeling.)
Fight or Flight...
But I can't go on... I called and thanked him for a nice time and then basically called the whole thing off; which wasn't
a "thing" in the first place. I proved to myself two things: I can allow a certain kind (safe) of man to touch me, but after
the nice evening I am ready to withdraw and call it quits; the fear of getting hurt is too great. I also found out that I don't
have to always be giving. The control issues I have are enormous; I just can't let myself go. My boundaries are prudish
and they control me to the extent that my needs can not be met. The needs of the baby were never met; do I even know
what the needs of the older woman are? I fear that I will just bounce around, touching a need but never fully allowing
it to be seen and met.
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy
[sad nod]
Yes, I completely understand the need to stop all movement before it starts.
This is the trauma that has become our living legacy.
Fear, anxiety, disgust, repulsion, and shame... it all builds up in a way that says "WTF am I trying to do, anyway?!?"
One of the most difficult steps I must always remind myself to take every single day: "don't give-up".
Each day I make mistakes, and each day I have to take the time to breathe, relax, and say to myself, "it's ok" ("it will be ok if I take my time and not react like I really want to")
The past really hurts like bloody hell, but I'll be damned to let it own me.
As I sip my beer...
Yes, Teddy has a beer... I scared myself shitless, but I hear what you say, "don't give up!" This last venture proved
what I can do... and reminded me of what I can't do. It's a good thing he's someone I call a friend; but making a
lover out of a friend is not possible for me at this point. Small baby steps are painful.
You understood. What a nice gift. Thank you.
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy
Love romance... eh...they
Love romance... eh...they are words.... nuthing more. for me I just had to find new words and meanings to replace them.
As the other half says... it is what it is... just take one day at a time...
And I tell you it works... we don't use the "L" or "R" words in our house.
Helping to make it different seem to make the medicine go down..
non-conformists
I smiled in total agreement when I read: "helping to make it different seems to make the medicine go down..."
My whole adult life I have been redefining relationships in my own mind so they don't offend me like they once did. I had to because my associations with certain names, titles and roles are very negative, and I've grown very tired of being so angry and resentful all the time. (it's just no way to live.) I have found ways to make certain situations "the same but different" from all the traditional "normal" roles I hve been raised to accept and follow. Provided I don't have huge hate and rage issues dwelling deep inside of me, this tactic usually works, after a given amount of time.
I think the key to personal happiness with anyone is knowing what terrible triggers exist, and knowing what can make a horrible moment better. For myself, sick stupid humor works... so the more others know how to reach that inner mocking child in me, the faster I can get out of the abyss -- the place that used to keep me in trapped lonely darkness.
I used to hate being different from all the normal people around me, but I see how my kids and great (patient) friends like and appreciate my need to be a non-conformist in my own traditional way, and in my mind, that makes me feel something akin to happiness and peace.
I HAVE HAD IT!!!
I hate men and I hate women... isn't it as damn shame that my two oldest sons are young men?!!!! DON'T jump on me at this moment! Loving my kids has nothing to do with what I feel at this moment!
I have trust issues! I am so stupid to trust anyone or anything but God!
So, here it is: Call me a silly old woman; call me a racist; call me sorta prejudiced... WHATEVER! I've trusted men and
got shot down so many times! Women are so out with the fact that they can not be trusted! But when I was down the most
two years ago... I (feel the shame rising up) trusted that Clay Aiken was the good Christian young man he claimed to be and
spend a $1,000.00 flying with my daughter to New Jersey to hear his Christmas concert! It was a time in my life when every man had F'ed my life over and I WANTED to believe in someone that others just didn't believe in... LAUGH at me!!! I DON'T f'n
care!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now that CA has come out with his BABY??? WTF on the cover of People?????? I FEAR for that baby having such a LIAR for a father. We are what we are!!! WHY lie? I could just vomit!
I guess I'm more f'ed-up than I thought...
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy
Interesting that you split
K.--Interesting that you split off love and romance like you do. You'd think it would be sex and love that gets split or sex and intimacy. Certainly for me this has been the case. Sex is great, intimacy stressful. Sex is fun, love is anxiety inducing. Classic RAD-Attachment Disorder (Avoident) thinking I guess.
I guess love can be a lot of things...like loving your kids or your dog. Whereas romance is something else. Where romance sits in the sex, love, intimacy. romance continuum I'm not sure.
The splitting of things
<laugh>... I envy the ability to enjoy sex. Enjoying romance is easy for me because I see romance as being a process and a way of being. I can easily relax and enjoy the unveiling of a person's personality and soul.... I find that fascinating, and I think that's what romance is all about: it's a magical fascination about and towards another person or thing. I can be very romantic without being in love or feeling sexual.
Basically I think this all means one thing -- I don't fear romance, but I do fear sex, love, and intimacy.
What I used to think...
Was that I loved every man I was with... Much later, I'm finding out that it was the romance that I enjoyed, and that
I have never really loved or been in-love with a man.
I don't feel that with a man, now. I don't feel anything; but do enjoy the romance part: getting to know a person's soul...
that's beautiful. Getting to know them sexually is okay as long as we are just talking about it; I can talk about sex in
depth; doing it is another thing entirely. FEAR only lets me talk; never do.
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy
This is interesting and, I
This is interesting and, I think, a pretty good example of the way men and women approach sex. It is common for men (pretty well all men) to be able to split off sex and love and put them into separate boxes. A man with an attachment disorder takes advantage of this. Despite the fact that intimacy is stressful and anxiety inducing, sex can be very enjoyable. And it doesn't have to be anonymous either. Buddy sex gives him a limited psychological intimacy which he can comfortably deal with although he may be on constant guard should this type of relationship go to the next level which it is often prone to do because.............................................
.............women need intimacy in order to enjoy sex. They can't split off the two (speaking generally) So for the woman with attachment difficulties, being uncomfortable with intimacy equals feeling uncomfortable with sex. Unlike the man, the avoident woman tends to do without both.
The avoident woman tends to do without both....
And ends up what?
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy
[my quick glib response]
ANYONE who becomes avoidant of sex, pleasure, romance and others becomes a lonely miserable frustrated mess.
I think it's important to mention here, "avoidant behavior" is not all about limiting/eliminating actions, like having sex. An avoidant person can easily avoid and bypass feelings that would otherwise keep him/her from doing something risky, dangerous or stupid. Another word to describe this sort of behavior is "denial". [If a person denies a problem exists, does that mean the problem is gone?]
"ANYONE who becomes avoidant
"ANYONE who becomes avoidant of sex, pleasure, romance and others becomes a lonely miserable frustrated mess."
Hummm I tend not to agree... for me it was the opposite.
I avoid those things.
1) It made me a gentleman. Once the penis is removed from the thought process, you would be amazed at how much it influences a persons mind in all facets of daily life.
2) Saves myself and any children I might have had pain and anguish and separation an being alone and miserable....
3) Since 98% of the population is a lost cause I am not stuck in dumb game of trial and error....
4) Want, no matter what form it is.... comes from greed.
5) Forced me to meet and deal with the real me, all distractions aside...
6) Stop wasting precious time I could be using to fight my battle with no distractions.
7) I have nuting to lose, no weakness, nuthing that can be held or used against me. While I take the various baby snatching scumbags to the cleaners....
[smile]
That comment made by me was more tongue-in-cheek, but I know with my writing style, it's hard to separate sarcasm from sincerity sometimes. [I try to use the emoticon face-dudes to indicate my mood in writing, in case that little visual feature helps any.]
I am actually very glad you offer the up-side to a non-sexualized lifestyle, because I totally agree -- the fixation so many have on personal gratification is far too great. In fact, that quality in a person really scares me. [This is the very reason I started the thread discussing romance, and not sex, per se.] I believe sex complicates things in many painful ways for many of us. The issue of pregnancy and relinquishment, for instance, is a HUGE huge personal issue for me... so it's always good to read a male-perspective on that matter. [A recent thread called "When sex becomes a HUGE issue" can be found here: http://poundpuplegacy.org/node/21787 ]
The problem I see with typical adult RAD behavior is social avoidance, and in that regard, I think solitary living can lead to lonely misery. I believe much of this is rooted in a basic mistrust in people, and I like to think this mistrust can be re-learned if the wounded person is approached in a safe and RAD-acceptable way. Bottom line for me is, whether a person chooses sexual intercourse as a lifestyle requirement is academic, I do NOT think sexual activity should define a person's sense of worthiness especially when it relates to love and affection.
abusing a privilege
Actually, I think sexual anxiety, (at least in my case), has much to do with the abuse sustained when I was much younger. Sometimes it was very violent, so physical proximity becomes a real issue for me; and almost always it was emotionally cruel afterwards, so I tend to brace against that aspect, as well.
In terms of the male/female ability to enjoy sex, I like to compare the two experiences (taking and receiving) to something much more basic in principle, like touching and eating. I have no problem touching and exploring things with my hands. My hands can get dirty and washed, and as such I am perfectly free and able to enjoy the textures and feelings of things. However, ask me to explore something not with my hands, but with the inside of my mouth -- you better believe I am going to be much more reserved and squeamish in terms of what I will and will not be willing to be put inside me. [Now, keep in mind, the person who is able to mentally detach from an unpleasant experience can easily do this (endure the invasion) and not think about what is happening. It's a gift that actually works as a curse. Crazy, ain't it?]
In any case, the sex organ for a man is his penis -- an external organ that's easy to expose and figure out. The sex organs for a woman is within an orifice, it's all internal, and it's not at all easy to figure-out, especially if the woman is stressed. All pleasures aside, giving and receiving in this regard sure has new perspective and meaning, don't you think?
So yes, sex for a woman IS intimate... it has to be because that's how her body is made... that's how she was created, whether people want to accept that small intimate detail, or not.
All things being equal <laugh, cough, swallow>.... I believe this is why adult consent and communication is so important. I can't think of any worse sexual experience than the type that takes place at the humiliating and painful expense of another. Period.
OOH!
Internal versus External...
What brings the release for me is external. A lot of talk about a G spot, but the clitoris, which is outward, helps me say,
who needs a penis? But I will grant you this: Even after an orgasm, the need is still there to have someone to
hug and moan with over the received pleasure.
As for a penis or tongue in my mouth: I would rip it out by the roots and shove it up where the sun does not shine!
And as for the consequences of going without sex: I think it destroys the natural ability to respond to another person.
If I had it to do over again, I would NOT have done without! I crave a natural response to sex and the feeling of a body close to mine in intimacy! Doing without has made me into a cold, harsh, bitch...
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy
the ol want-and-need routine
This always brought me trouble, because I knew even as a child, the reward given is not at all the reward that's received -- and that solitary experience used to leave me very confused. [I hated knowing so much about another person's body and so little about my own. Once I learned more about myself, I hated that no one else cared.] Want and need became wanton greed, and I was to be the giver of all things that felt good.
<fade into black>
Worst for me yet was not the sex act itself, but the way in which I was left. Feeling the weakened collapse of another body, only to have a moment or two before all the talk of love turned mean... that experience (when I allow myself to think about it) still leaves me feeling like my chest is being crushed-in by a ton of lead weight.
Romance I adore, sex I can do, but love and intimacy -- those are things I can barely chew, let alone swallow.
Why did we feel we had to do it...?
In a sexual episode, which there were many, my main concern was to give them what they wanted... to be needed... be the best there was out there... Never was it about me; even their attempt to perform as the great stud was not about me and my worth.
I've had good sex where the orgasm was reached, but the aftermath of the act was dead feelings of loneliness because, after all, I was only being used for a purpose and that purpose was fulfilled.
I could do sex, but where I am at, in life, I choose not to... there is always the guilt and shame of it not being with someone I am in-love with and the old feelings of being used, one more time. Romance does not hold much fear for me, but then it always involves me detaching in fear of where it will lead and the rejection after it is over. "...the way in which I was left. "
Learning that a woman can have an orgasm, too, was a big shock to me! I was having men for almost four years before it happened, but it wasn't because someone tried to give that to me, it was that I took it. Even knowing how to finally get sexual satisfaction for myself, it was still the let-down of no romantic-intimacy after it was all over; as if I had done my duty and that was as far as it went. The words I longed to hear were never spoken.
And then when middle age hit and the man's orgasm/ejaculation was "not as intense as it used to be," I felt the harshness of his words as if it were my fault. I had nothing left to give that was appreciated or even good. That's when I crawled into my abyss and stayed there.
I was no longer used; only abused by his shunning of me. Is it any wonder I am so empty? I know, now, what I've missed. I can see how horribly demeaning each and every sex act was for me. How I'm left an empty shell of a woman who wants only to feel normal before I die.
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy
Read it and weep...
I'm in the process of studying how sex is good for a person and the lack of it is almost bad for a person:
Booty keeps the immune system strong by raising levels of Immuno-Globulin-A by as much as 30 percent.
A G-spot orgasm can elevate your pain threshold by 40 to 100 percent. (WHERE IS THAT DAMN THING?)
Making the beast with two backs does more than just put a smile on your face. A rockin' love life (getting it on at least once or twice a week) helps keep you healthy.
.Habitual nooky helps you get your zzz's
Carnal play causes the bonding hormone oxytocin to spike to five times its normal level
Women who have sex regularly are less likely to be depressed.
The serotonin high from orgasm creates feelings of satiety that relieve stress.
...Boinking increases blood flow to all organs and burns 100 to 200 calories per session.
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy
Oxytocin and Sex...
oxytocin, which aids in forming and maintaining relationships. Humans with higher oxytocin levels are more likely to trust other people.... I figure if we can hang Oxytocin Meters around people's necks, we can tell who is involved in healthy relationships and who isn't."
Although scientists aren’t yet testing the benefits of intercourse without orgasm, here’s a report on a study demonstrating that the benefits of sex come from intercourse, not orgasm…and that oxytocin may explain those gain
The flip side of such questions is "what is the mechanism by which love and affection positively affect health?" The answer to this question is oxytocin. Oxytocin is a hormone and neurotransmitter. Once believed to confine its effects to inducing labor and milk ejection, oxytocin actually has far-reaching effects on both sexes. You could not fall in love without it. These days it goes by nicknames such as "the bonding hormone," "the cuddle hormone," and even "the love hormone."
The primary conscious behavior or thought process that increases oxytocin is caring for another. Appreciation, generous touch, gratitude, and emotional connections with others also raise oxytocin levels. In addition, oxytocin appears to be behind many of the health benefits from meditation, massage and acupuncture. We see one of oxytocin's most powerful effects at birth - when the mother and father bond with their child. At that moment, oxytocin surges causing a rewiring of both parents' brains so that they will do anything for their little screaming creature. Under ordinary circumstances they remain permanently in love.
Thu, 2006-01-26 01:41 — Marnia
HAVING sex before a stressful event such as public speaking could help relax you for up to a week. One international tennis star apparently liked to do it minutes before strolling on to court while a couple of Olympians both reportedly swore off the deed the night before competitions.
But British psychologists now say penetrative sex with a partner before a nerve-racking event could help keep stress at bay.
In a study published in New Scientist magazine, University of Paisley researchers compared the impact of different sexual activities on blood pressure when people later experienced acute stress.
Those who had penetrative sex were less stressed and their blood pressure returned to normal faster than those who had non-coital sex.
Those who abstained from sex had the highest blood-pressure response to stress.
For a fortnight, 24 women and 22 men kept diaries of how often they had intercourse, masturbated or had sexual activity excluding intercourse.
Afterwards, they underwent stress tests involving public speaking and verbal arithmetic.
Taking into account volunteers' individual neuroticism, anxiety, work stress and relationship satisfaction, they found differences in sexual behaviour best explained the range of stress responses.
Lead researcher Stuart Brody said the effects were not attributable simply to short-term relief through orgasm but lasted for at least a week.
The release of the hormone oxytocin between partners could be responsible for the calming effect, he suggested.
Professor Simon Crowe, head of neuropsychology at La Trobe University, said the findings were very exciting and important.
"The physiology of sex is very complicated and one we know surprisingly little about given how much it affects our behaviour," Prof Crowe said.
"But the different stress responses between penetrative sex and masturbation suggests the biology of one person affects another.
"It follows that the relationship between people should also make a difference and casual sex wouldn't have the same calming effect."
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy
More on the subject...
I'm glad to see you have seen the mind-body connection, in terms of educating yourself, and how certain hormones affect the mind and body.
In case you are interested, there is more within PPL regarding the effects oxytocin has on the body. You can find a lists of posts here: http://poundpuplegacy.org/search/node/oxytocin
20-second hugs raise oxytocin levels (the feel-good chemical)
Finally, I've found something that isn't, IMO, sinful, and produces something good for me! The very thing I have not been able to do: hug someone. Now, where do I find men who are willing to just hug me for my benefit? LOL
The reading you have here is very helpful and eye-opening, to me. I'll spend some time with this topic as it seems to have some answers to what is wrong with me; also what was wrong with my overly-sexed evilx.
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy
test and re-testing
I'm going to make a leaping statement, (in the form of a rhetorical question), hoping you can catch-on to it's deeper meaning --
...
Can you understand why a RAD adult could become obsessive/compulsive when it comes to sexual activity?
[Hint: read about the effects dopamine have on the body, as well.]
I have found for myself, the person fixated on sex and orgasm really scares me because I know I have a need to please and be pleasing. This act becomes just that the act that has nothing to do with me, my thoughts, my dreams, and my feelings. My body can operate as it should, (I have no fears regarding orgasm) but there is no normal connection made within my own mind, and that produces stress within me. It's a stress I cannot fake, and at this stage of my life, I refuse to act like I am happy and relaxed when I am not. I believe I have to keep re-training myself to make this right for myself, keeping in mind I must take it slow and make progress through small baby-steps. [Safety, in this regard, always being within the pace of a snail! ] In terms of all relationships in my life, I have finally begun to ask myself one simple question when I am with someone: "Was this what I felt last time, or is this completely different?"
The answer to that question determines if I move on to the next-step -- steps that will help me find heart-felt emotional love for myself.
I have found my goal is not to feel physical pleasure, but to feel secure that someone actually cares enough about me that I will not die feeling like I am always scared, angry,or afraid to be left alone.
Romance...
Kerry said: "I would love to know how others create "romance" in their lives... and I would love to know if there are others who think you can have romance, without the heavy pressure of "love" thrust upon you."
Candles are romantic. Sunrises and sunsets are romantic. Any kind of low light is romantic.
Red is romantic, because red is the color of love and passion. Red roses mean, "I love you."
Background music is romantic. For music to be romantic, I think it must be too soft to hear.
Romance is personal. To be romantic, you must be personal and do personal kinds of things.
Willingly giving your time to be with someone is romantic.
My friend says that she goes into the bathroom and runs hot water; lights candles; pours some wine; turns on soft
music and soaks in the tub. She finds this romantic, even alone.
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy
The unspoken-power of sincerity
I've been thinking, trying to dig deeply into my "reacting part of the brain" to determine what defines romance to me... and I think I finally found what brings me a sense of romance: non-manipulating sincerity. [I don't think there is anything worse than fake sincerity, and I know the moment I see it, I immediately shut-down and all feelings go on 'automatic pilot".]
I don't care how an environment looks... whether it be a subway or a very expensive restaurant with flowers, music and a panoramic view of the city... if the person I'm with is treating me with respect and kindness, and showing a genuine interest in my thoughts and feelings, I think anything can become a romantic experience.
I guess that's why I think one can experience romance alone -- if you are treating yourself to the things you know you really like and enjoy, what's not to feel good about? [I'm also thinking, the ideal relationship would mean both partners find lots of joy in the same things.]
You know what's sad about that? During my dating-years, I don't think I ever allowed myself to feel genuine joy.
I couldn't agree more
I don't know if I would call what you describe as romantic, but it does read the way I prefer it too. For me sincerely interested company (although some fun poking distraction from my overly serious side is much appreciated too), is what feels best and I couldn't start feeling romantic before I feel at ease.
When it comes to romance, I love to going out to places where discrete hospitality prevails. I really enjoy friendly yet efficient service, so I get to spend as much time with the person I am with, while feeling welcome at the same time. But then again, anything can become a romantic experience with the right person, whether is is having a nice dinner or being on a train for too many hours.
For me a romantic moment I
For me a romantic moment I think is when a woman empties her purse out looking for something and a multi-tool falls out... There is just something about the sound when it hits the ground.
Call me weird but..
I guess I didn't watch enough chick flicks...lol....
:)