Pound Pup Legacy

The other day I had a conversation with a friend who was telling me how another mutual friend was intimidated by me.

"She's scared of you"

"Why?"

"She's afraid you will hurt her."

"How?"

"She's afraid she will care too much, and you will turn around and hurt her."

"I can understand that (I am known for walking away and turning my back on people)... But, if I tell people how I react to certain things, and if I warn people how these strong reactions can be avoided, don't you think this fear of hers is just an excuse not to become friends with me?"  

"See, that's the sort of stuff that intimidates and scares people... you know so much crap... that's scary to people who don't think as much or as deeply as you do."

[I wanted to delve into the nature of adult RAD behavior, and explain how differently social dynamics operate for a displaced child, especially if that child never got to know or live with/among his own blood relatives, but I chose to use a less book-learned route to make my side of the social circle more clear:]

"Yes... I am indeed a thinker... that's the sort of hair-pin I am.  I have to be a thinker because I had A LOT of people who "loved me" hurt me.  When somone says he or she loves you, and then that person hurts you badly, you are very likely to be very sensitive to the things people do and say all in the name of love.  So, if my thinking and reacting to things becomes a huge problem for some people, I am better off without them and their problems with me, don't you think?"

My friend laughed, (because she knows I don't give a crap if some housewife is scared/intimidated by me), we finished our beers, and we started joking about what a pain in the ass I am because of my past. 

I have finally learned, as an adult, I don't need to please everyone.  I don't need to make others happy because it will make them feel good about themselves.  I also don't need friends, although there are times I do want other people around me.

So how does a person with very little feelings towards "other people" develop long-lasting relationships?

As an adult with RAD tendencies, I have learned one simple trick that always keeps me in control over who and what bothers me:  I let people know I come from a very messed-up background, and as a result, all normal-well-adjusted-happy-healthy family/social rules have become null and void in my mind.  I openly admit I am a maladjusted social misfit, thanks to my previous owners, and I admit I'm learning how to be social and friendly on my own terms and freakish ways.  This is not my excuse for bad/rude behavior, but a warning to those who can't understand why in mid-sentence I will turn and walk away, not return phone calls/answer the door, not laugh or smile and engage in boring "how's-the-weather-and-how-are-you-doing" conversation, or why I no longer want to talk to people I find very triggering and upsetting.

I believe there are far too many people not at all remotely aware how adoption, abuse and family secrets ruin the social lives of adults trying to cope with people who come from loving intact families with only a few odd idiosyncrasies.  For instance, having divorced parents is not the same as being divorced from your biologic family; being abused by your parent's brother is not the same as being abused by your adoptive relative; not knowing who your father is not the same as having the government seal and keep your birth records from you; not being the "perfect son or daughter" is not the same as being the adoption mistake.  Where some people have some emotional scars, many adoptees who were abused post permanent placement have blistering boils of dysfunction bubbling underneath the skin's surface... and you know what?  I'm no longer going to act as if my festering wounds don't hurt or don't exist.  I'm not afraid to discuss all that bothers me, because I believe the more I show and share, the more I can see there are people in this world who DO care.  The problem I see is there are lots of people who say they understand, when in fact, they have no idea what a blistering boil looks or feels like.

It's no secret I have a very tough and difficult time relating kindly and sweetly to people, especially when I'm around those who have no idea how dysfunctional families operate.  For those who were adopted and placed in really whacked-out families, we know how different our social rules are compared to those who were kept within their family filled with natural-born nut-jobs.  For the past few years I have been working very hard on my social manners, and I believe I have come a very long way.  Rare are the times anyone will see me laugh and smile, but more often than not you will hear me crack a lot of sick and demented jokes... and I like how that keeps me in good friendly company.

What keeps me sane is my belief that I'm not always wrong when I react.  I know there are times I act out of learned instinct, and I know there are times I'm going to be misunderstood by those who have no idea what it's like to be abused by members within an adoptive family.  What keeps me sane too, are the friends I have made and kept over the years, proving to me... I can't pick my own family, but I CAN choose who gets close to me.  The ones I keep close are the ones who speak the same language as me; the ones I keep close are the ones who know and accept me, with all my wounds and warts, and the ones I keep closest are the ones who aren't afraid to make a few jokes at our own lame expense.  After all, when I am among friends, I don't mind being the best butt of a sick and cruel joke... it gives me a chance to give a moment of thanks and praise to the nice folks behind child placement:  "Without them, I'd be butt-boring and talking about things like the weather!"