Pound Pup Legacy

In my learned fear of God, the one thing that is my preservation:  People who kill themselves commit murder and
therefore go to hell... I do not want to go to hell.
I think what you have, Kerry, that I want, is,  Awe of God and not fear.  Fear with the meaning of awe is probably a
beautiful thing. 

" I'm glad, at the very least, you have found a group who's company you like to keep. "
You'll never know how much comfort I get being in this group. 
" Your words remind me of all the times I would write on the RAD site.  (So I will leave it at that.)"    LOL

"God does not frighten me.  People do."
My fear is of God,  Who makes me fear people.  Just as my two-headed-monster taught me that ONLY she was
my friend and all I needed, God makes me feel the same; and I don't know how to tell Him I need some people.

"For myself, giving-up on myself and my chance for finding peace and happiness in this life has never been a real option."
And for me, I have never once even been-there for myself.  Isn't it strange how the words "sorry child" can make even
an adult feel worthless?

"I must add, I think there is a huge difference between "giving-up" and "taking a rest"."  
I never thought about it like that; I truly don't want to die and yet I don't want to live like this.  How do I tell the world
that surrounds me and demands that I change, that I just need a rest from all of this damage-related pain?  The
truth makes me seem more demented and yet, what do I do, make up something?  I'm overwhelmed with life
as it is, now.  My kids just don't deserve to see me this way.  Thursday's court (and the week leading up to it, and since)
was devastating:  seeing my daughter and her damage, and her wanting a relationship with me and denied by the PTB
is too much for me right now.  I just don't know how to explain that to the ones in my life who think Pollyanna should
be my role model.  The "Glad Game" anyone?

"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
 One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy

I grew up in a house that was not religious at all, although my adoptive parents had their superstitions and especially my adoptive mother has alwas had a belief there is "more", though she could never give an indication what that "more" actually comprises.

It was only when I attended a Catholic primary school (there were no other schools in the village I lived at the time) that I realized there was something as religion. At the age of six all children in my class had their Holy Communion except for me and one other boy. That boy was supposed to be protestant, at least that's what his parents were. I remember being asked what I "was" by children in my class. They could somehow understand that someone be something different from Catholic, although that was already very exotic in their eyes, but they couldn't quite understand where to place me. How could I be "nothing"?

I've always enjoyed my nothingness. When I watched the communion take place, young as I was, I realized they had no clue what they were getting into and though I liked the echoing sound in the building and to this day like to visit churches for touristic purposes, I was very much content with my outsiders position. Being "nothing" somehow defined me and it felt good.

Several years later I attended a protestant secondary school and where to me catholic education had felt rather benign (some rituals, some theatrics, hoopla and hocus pocus), the protestant secondary school felt completely different. This was a school with The Bible. Every day started with a passage from The Book followed by a prayer. Again I felt the outsider and again I saw the submission to a ritual no-one really had a clue about. I saw teachers speed praying to not waste too much time, I saw the hypocrisy of it all, but what I didn't see at the time was the slow indoctrination with the fear of God. What if I died and God really exists and I have to go to Hell for not believing in him?

At age thirteen/fourteen I had no antidote for that and for a couple of years God scared the bejeebus out of me. I tried to rationalize it, realizing there were a whole bunch of people in Asia who don't believe in the God of the Bible, Torah or Koran, so does that mean he put them on earth to send them straight to Hell. I tried to rationalize it, knowing there had been people who in no way could have ever been in contact with The Word, people in ancient times, people in remote areas of the world. Wasn't it cruel to punish these people just for the lack of access to His Word, but the more I rationalized, the scarier I got, fearing that thinking this was blasphemous in and of itself and certainly would lead to eternal damnation. But wouldn't believing in God not cause the eternal wrath of Zeus, Wodan or Osiris in return?

This all coincided with a period in which I was seriously bullied by almost everyone in my class, being at the complete bottom end of the pecking order. Never before and never after have I experienced such a pecking order and I relate it to overly strict paternalistic parenting. If you get bullied at home, you start bullying at school. It made sense then and it still makes sense to me.

The bullying got over, I stood up to the weakest bullyer and from then on he became the center of attention and I could safely get back to my position of observing outsider. I was never really liked in that school, but my worst days were over and with that my fear of God subsided. I realized this version of God was not something I could subscribe to. If God only allows people in heaven because of their fear of hell and it doesn't matter if they treat people like shit or not, then God must be an asshole. I realized if there is a God and he is Good, then he will allow me in his Heavenly Kingdom based on my deeds not on me devoutness to his Deity. Without any arrogance, I couldn't see much wrong in my doings, so I couldn't see what God could hold against me by not believing in Him. So gradually I became "nothing" again and to this day feel good about that.