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The social dynamics of sibling rivalry

Kerry's picture
Fri, 2008-08-22 09:36 - Kerry

From the days of Cain and Able, man has heard stories about sibling rivalry... and yet very little is discussed about the many different ways an adoptee has to face sibling acceptance or rejection.  After all, unlike a couple with a surprise pregnancy, only the adopting parents can say for certain, "we have room and money in our family for ___ more."

To put this in personal perspective, I always thought, if I had a sister, my life would have been much easier and less lonely, but I think that wish reflects how much I wanted a sense of secure identity.  My understanding of family dynamics was simple:  brothers and sisters fight and do not get along.  That was how it worked in my a.father's family... that's how it worked for my a.mother's family.  No families I knew got together without stress or fighting.  Meanwhile, I don't know if I have any sisters or brothers.  I was a first-born, but when I was adopted, I suddenly became "the new little sister".  [Looking back, I wonder what my AP's did to prepare their son for me... it's not as though he saw a pregnant mommy and had that visual to help prepare him for the upcoming arrival of "a new child".  Surely AP's nowadays must know if there is a child at home already, there is going to be jealous rivalry waiting "home" for their new adoptee.]

In any case, in my mind, wanting a sister (younger or older) was my way of ensuring my own sense of love and security within a family I knew wasn't mine.  A sister would make me feel like I was part of something bigger than me-and-my-adopted-self.  A sister meant sister-hood, and that would last my entire life-time.  [Of course what I really wanted was something that promised me, "No matter what, I will always be there for you".]

As a parent myself, I know there is the "normal" squabbling parents see between sibling children, but as one who has always seen more than what meets the eye, are the battles between adoption-touched siblings the same, or are they different than the fights that take place in "normal families"?  ["That's MINE" versus "Those are MY parents, not yours".]

Does attention and strength have new meaning when a complete foreign stranger suddenly enters the family? ["You have a face even your own mother can't love" versus "If not for my family, you'd be on the streets or dead".]

Does adoption redesign the natural pecking order of people?  [If the youngest one is adopted, and the others are not, does that make the adopted child better than the rest?]

Later-on in life, how does reunion with biologic siblings alter the adoptee's sense of who is and who isn't "family"?

Comments

Sat, 2008-08-23 01:57 — almost_human

unusual?

in my house there were three sets of children:  the first two, two years apart.  the accident, four years later, and the adoption six years later. 
with such a spread, there was very little in common and so little relating or contact to produce any conversations, much less fighting.

my oldest brother, child number 2,  found himself experiencing middle child syndrome when the accident arrived.
child number 1 created a lot of drama, and he got overshadowed by that.  then, all the attention he felt due him had hoped when the 1st child left was eclipsed by the excitement over the international package arriving.

he has stated that all his resentment / hate problems (which resulted in his going postal and prison for life) began when i arrived.
i could feel his hate the whole time he remained at home. 

i never wanted siblings.  siblings hate you.  i wanted to be in an orphanage.  i don't know where that came from. 

Sat, 2008-08-23 06:13 — kimette

I didn't even know I had siblings.

The social worker told me that I was going to have American parents with 2 dogs and 3 houses... but she didn't tell me about my adoptive half siblings. After my mother's death, I saw in the application form for adoption, my aparents only mentionned the three oldest children. When I was in Maine., there were two young men (my half brothers) that I saw from time to time. I though they were residants of the residential facility that belonged to my aparents (some residents had their rooms at home).

I met my other three half siblings after we moved to Canada. My aparents never introduced them to me, so I didn't  know their names and I didn't know why those 5 adults (the youngest was a teen) were calling my afather "papa" during the first few months. After three years, my aparents explained to me that they were daddy"s children from his first marriage. That's how I learned the word "divorce". After learning the word divorce, I felt very insecure. I thought if parents can't stay together for their real children, then they can't stay together for their adoptive children.

All of them were married or in a long-term relationship but they were not prepared to have an adopted little sister in their family. For them, I was someone who was going to take their legacy. They never accepted me as their half sister. When I answered the phone, they always said, "Is MY dad at home?"  At each fathers day , Christmas, Easter , etc.. they were taking some family pictures. "A picture with the father, his daughter and his daugthers in-law and " said one of them  "Another with the father and his children" said another....  The only time where I was allowed to join them was when I invited a friend.

To talk about them, I always said "the other children of my father" because I felt I had no right to call them brothers or sister.

Adoption tore the relationship I had with my three siblings and adoption gave me five siblings with whom I've never had a relationship.