abused adoptees
abuse in foster care
adoptees
adoption
adoption agencies
adoption industry
child abuse
child placement
Child Protective Services
children
child trafficking
China
family
foster care
Guatemala
humorous
international adoption
love
money
orphanages
orphans
parents
Russia
search and reunion
sexual abuse
social workers
United Kingdom
United States of America
Are you Co-dependent?
Tue, 2008-08-19 23:11 - Teddy
Anytime we care about somebody or something we give away some power over our feelings. It is impossible to Love without giving away some power. When we choose to Love someone (or thing - a pet, a car, anything) we are giving them the power to make us happy - we cannot do that without also giving them the power to hurt us or cause us to feel angry or scared."
I used to give away ALL the power to the other in the relationship. Now I need to have control over how much
I'm willing to give, while staying safe; and how much I need to be receiving to make it all worth the effort.
ALSO:
"The way to healthy interdependence is to be able to see things clearly - to see people, situations, life dynamics and most of all ourselves clearly. If we are not working on healing our childhood wounds and changing our childhood programming then we cannot begin to see ourselves clearly let alone anything else in life."
WHAT has anyone here done that has been TRUE work on healing your childhood wound?
I keep repeating patterns that are familiar. I pick untrustworthy people to trust, undependable people to depend on, unavailable people to love. How do I start to practice discernment in my choices so the patterns change and I can
learn to trust myself? Is it stepping forward far enough to feel the pain before pulling back from it, instead of hiding from
all forms of emotion?
I have started to work through issues instead of running away from them; I'm trying to keep communication happening: I told my friends that the first baby step was to have them to fall back on, so I'm telling them everything as it happens. I've never before formed a healthy interdependent partnership with another human being so I'm just including them all and hopefully, when I start to fall, there will be at least one of them there to catch me or at least help me back up.. I'm trying to take responsibility and work through issues in hopes that emotional intimacy can be found. I've found a lot of help here.
Being Co-dependent: I think I have something like a radar system that makes me attracted to people who are exactly the most untrustworthy (or unavailable or smothering or abusive) individuals on this planet- exactly the ones who will betray me; and off I go on another bad relationship which only makes me stop and say, "SEE, I knew I was worthless and only deserve betrayal!" Over and over...
I want to be Interdependent. I need allies, partnerships, friends. I need connections with other beings. "Interdependence means that we give someone else some power over our welfare and our feelings." SOME is the operative word here and the most scary. I have the belief that I need another person in my life to make me whole. As long as I believe that someone else has the power to make me happy then aren't I setting myself up to be a victim? Is this where the boundaries and conversation come in?Robert Burney says:
Anytime we care about somebody or something we give away some power over our feelings. It is impossible to Love without giving away some power. When we choose to Love someone (or thing - a pet, a car, anything) we are giving them the power to make us happy - we cannot do that without also giving them the power to hurt us or cause us to feel angry or scared."
I used to give away ALL the power to the other in the relationship. Now I need to have control over how much
I'm willing to give, while staying safe; and how much I need to be receiving to make it all worth the effort.
ALSO:
"The way to healthy interdependence is to be able to see things clearly - to see people, situations, life dynamics and most of all ourselves clearly. If we are not working on healing our childhood wounds and changing our childhood programming then we cannot begin to see ourselves clearly let alone anything else in life."
WHAT has anyone here done that has been TRUE work on healing your childhood wound?
I keep repeating patterns that are familiar. I pick untrustworthy people to trust, undependable people to depend on, unavailable people to love. How do I start to practice discernment in my choices so the patterns change and I can
learn to trust myself? Is it stepping forward far enough to feel the pain before pulling back from it, instead of hiding from
all forms of emotion?
I have started to work through issues instead of running away from them; I'm trying to keep communication happening: I told my friends that the first baby step was to have them to fall back on, so I'm telling them everything as it happens. I've never before formed a healthy interdependent partnership with another human being so I'm just including them all and hopefully, when I start to fall, there will be at least one of them there to catch me or at least help me back up.. I'm trying to take responsibility and work through issues in hopes that emotional intimacy can be found. I've found a lot of help here.
"Two people consciously working together can be a very beautiful experience." Robert Burney
- Add new comment
- 155 reads
Comments
Redefining "relationships"
I have found even in my "best relationships", I was very alone, lonely, and miserable... so I don't follow the belief that someone else has the power to make me happy. In fact, I believe that was my biggest problem: I kept following other people and their ideas, and not my own. The "yesser" in me always made me think I could learn to like or love what others decided for me. [After all, I have always been very adaptable]. Over the years, I have learned my own happiness has to come from my own understanding of myself.
What makes me happy?
Going to museums, reading, taking walks, traveling to Europe, cooking (and eating), going to flea markets, tanning on the beach, sleeping.
What makes those things more fun for me?
Going with someone who appreciates my sick sense of humor, who knows when to talk, and also knows when to be quiet.
Redefining my own relationships so they better fit me and my quirky needs has made me less desperate to please others, and in a way, far less needy for "a relationship" to define me.
When to be happy
I need to realize that I can not be happy ALL the time... (that was my black and white thinking) but to be content most of the time and find happiness in the things that happen instead of searching for it. I made myself unhappy dwelling on NOT being happy.
I long to be content and I've almost gotten to that point in my life. It's time to focus on me now. My life was ruled by others before, and always what I needed to do to please others; it was a way of life.
What I sense in you, Kerry, is that it is okay to be who we are. I've needed to hear that for so long because, on my own, I
never could have accepted it. Also the fact that there can be relationshipS and not just one generic relationship that I
pathetically accept as my lot in life.
My mother convinced me at an early age that I was her property and only she was my friend; to have other friends or interests besides her was to be disloyal to her. This is a childhood trauma that brought me much grief and made me dysfunctional.
Kerry said:
"I kept following other people and their ideas, and not my own."
What I did was to put on a different face or personality to fit whoever I was with... and this is NOT D.I.D., it was me not
being ME. I didn't believe anyone could accept the real ME. Watch-out world!
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy
Within the black-and-white spectrum
I very much relate to your way of seeing and experiencing the world. I always felt like it was my job... my duty... to assume the role others scripted for me, and part of that job meant I had to satisfy all the requirements expected from me. My logic was quite simple: If I could make others happy, I would be deemed "worth keeping". [Of course, I had an amother who would go into Silent Mode if I upset her, so rejection had many changing colors and moods in my vocabulary.]
In my case, I was always unhappy because I was always in situations I never liked from the beginning, and my amother's chronically changing moods and needs made life very unpredictable and unsettling. For the sake of others, I could not be seen as being miserable and unhappy, so I had to find ways to fake appearances. Rather than dwelling on the "NOT being happy", I stopped feeling and thinking, altogether. ["Not feeling" made things much easier, but like a cancer, those trapped feelings began to build, making every thought far more confusing and complex then they ever had to be.]
One thing I learned, once leaving her influence... maybe happiness can't always be found, but misery doesn't have to be a chronic state of being, either.
I would be deemed "worth keeping".
And this is exactly what I meant about Andy my foster son, he was, "worth keeping." Seeing it now and using your
reaction to that phrase, I can really feel how triggering those words are. WOW! I was really lame when I used
that phrase! My own b/mother threw me away emotionally; I wasn't "worth keeping." I like it when I finally get-it...
when someone takes the time to help me understand.
Once leaving (she died) my b/mother's influence, the ice-man (husband) took over and the misery continued with
fuller force. That's why I refuse to be a part of my b/dad's life (he's 96/nursing home and still in denial) because
just thinking about him makes me start to shut-down. I've come too far to have that possibility rear its ugly head.
When I read your words and your ability to understand just how chronic misery can be; it helps me stay on track.
I still get the pricklies all over my body when I know I have to stand up for ME... but I'm trying to use them as a warning
sign: take deep breaths and remind myself its going to be ok. Fear was a constant companion as I grew up, and
into older adulthood. Recognizing that, fear is NOT part of my healing and only is a precursor to shutting down, I
really have to take deep breaths and concentrate..... I think this is why people meditate.
UPDATE: I am so sensitive! I feel like a fool.
Can any of you say I love you to another person besides your kids? I tried it tonight to see what it felt like... it was the
pastor's wife who does so much for us. I said, I love you and she said, "thank you." I was pissed because I thought
it would be different, so I went back and said, "that's not how you do it; if someone says I love you, you say I love you back."
She said, "If you don't know by now that I love you......"
This is the way my whole life goes.
I am so hurt.
Life sucks...
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy
And then came the apology
In giving me an apology, I was able to explain to her how I NEVER take for granted that ANYONE loves me.
Does anyone here KNOW they are loved and feel secure in that love?
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it."
M.A. One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy
Little reminders
Let's rephrase your question just a little:
Now ask yourself this:
Does anyone NOT need a reminder that love and security can co-exist?
In other words, who out-grows the need to be told "I love you", and who doesn't want to have that confirmed and secured with an "I love you, too"?
You know what's great about saying "I love you" to a child? If a child feels uncomfortable, the child will either try to squirm away, give a blank stare, or try to change the subject. If the child shares a sense of love or care, that soft sweetness will come back with a hug, a kiss, or a simple smile (with or without a wordy reply). Either way, the immediate response given by a child tells the adult what that child is feeling at that moment, whether it be, "I'm not interested" or "I love you, too".
Amazing how "instant gratification" can work, isn't it?
Kill or Cure
I am SO not good with words and yet words are what mean so much to me. As a child I never heard the words, I love you,
willingly. I need to hear the words because I never had the actions; or the words without first asking.
Aren't words and actions part of love and security?
My children are so used to the words and the actions that they will stand and stare at me, asking me with their eyes:
where are the words and the actions? If I am the first to say and do, they are the immediate response because they
and I truly need that reminder. But they still need me to read them and assure them it is still true.
Once in a while there will just be the hug or maybe a fly-by I love you! Any of it is so edifying and willingly given and,
yes, it is so instantly gratifying!
People who have been loved all their lives, IMO, are those who can live longer without the constant reassurance of
that love; they just know it. My friend said she has never lived a day of her life without constant love and assurance
of that love. There are those who are so secure that times without hearing it does not crush them but makes them
go and seek those words because they are sure of receiving them.
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy
A whole different world
In contrast, there are those who never heard those words, so they don't know what "I love you" means... and there are those who were TOLD words, but shown actions/behaviors that do not at all refect "love" or "safe security".
Is it any wonder why there is so much confusion in "love" and "relationships"?
What a person experiences is what they bring to a relationship. [In this sense, I have always found it VERY disturbing that most people assume because a child is adopted, that child understands love and appreciates the value of "good family relationships". As if adoptive families can't have dysfunction, or be abusive too?] This is why I so fully understand why some run, and why some hide.
I am in awe of those who do not know what it feels like to be torn and broken, or hurt by those who claim to know how "love" is supposed to be. As far as I'm concerned, those untouched-innocents speak a different language. One I will never fully understand or speak. [It must be nice to live in such a trusting world. I wouldn't know.... I question everything.]
I have made it a point to
I have made it a point to SHOW my love as well as say it to my children. Every day of their lives they have been hugged
and told they are loved and cherished. Without those acts of love, plus words, I doubt any of my children would have
survived the horrors of loss through adoption. NO pats on the back, just the fact that love DOES make a difference
when it is from a committed heart. What was done "in the name of love," to my children and to many of you here is a total
abomination. Many will have to answer to God for what they have NOT done; myself included.
I just re-read the point-blank letter I wrote to my husband after two years of such agony of loss. I constantly remind myself of what these children have suffered, in order to keep my priorities straight and my mind focused on learning to survive for them
and with them.
Kerry said:
"I question everything." Those of us who have known total betrayal bring into every relationship a boundary that says, wait,
I have some questions first. The main question I have is: Are you going to hurt me? I think that's how my kids feel, too.
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it."
M.A. One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy