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Living in Silence
I know over the years I have grown more and more uncomfortable with social conversations. I can write as the day is long, but to communicate with people who want to discuss the latest movie or weather or sporting event -- I just can't do it gracefully or with ease. Instead, I nod, shrug or keep silent.
Are there others who, because of their personal histories, find it much easier to keep quiet in awkward silence than engage in "normal" casual conversation? Do you consider this anti-social or simple "social anxiety"?
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deep, shallow, simple
For me it depends very much on the circumstances. I can very much enjoy your typical social conversations if I like the company I am with, but when the social conversation is your typical shallow chatter as a resolution of awkward silence, I usually keep quiet.
Years ago I worked for a software consultancy firm and at lunch time the only "allowed" topics of conversation were, cars, mortgages and stock market. I really detested that, so I usually had lunch after my colleages had theirs.
Nowadays I work for a small industrial company, where most of the people are your typical blue collar workers. The conversations over lunch are not at all deeper than in my previous line of work, but it feels very different. Although it isn't deep, it doesn't feel shallow either, it's just simple.
Work-related conversations
Oh, I could never stop talking if the conversation was work-related. When I was working at a hospital, there was much to discuss with many people, and when I worked briefly at a lingerie store, those discussion were that much more fun and interesting.
My problem with conversation always revolved around my own discomfort with my role in my family and all the personal information that could not be shared. It wasn't until I did start daring myself to talk more to average people that I learned more often than not, when I engage in personal conversations, I am met with the Deer in Headlights Stare.
For myself, it's always been far much easier to keep quiet than to keep explaining things that most people in a million years would never get, because their response would clearly reflect, "that was not my experience".
keeping mum
i have never been able to keep up with social conversations. - interesting things will pop up, and while i am still reflecting on the meaning of them, the topic has changed.
as an adult, (this is going to sound conceited) the conversations i hear sound like ideas i had ten years previous in my evolution.
i know my conclusions are not going to be welcome to people who haven't really considered things with much depth,
so i just keep mum.
therefore, i am always surprised to hear my own voice - that's how quiet i am now.
[LAUGHING]
I have always had to do double-translations, because the rules that went with/for one group, did not always apply to me, so like you, I had to think about my own interpretation of opinions most saw as facts.
I cannot tell you HOW many times I've been told, "Kerry, you think WAY too much..."
Only when a well-reflected, (or researched), opinion was needed, would I be invited to enter a conversation.
I have learned most people don't want to do the thinking... but they sure as hell don't mind doing all the speaking.
The good-girl in me nods and walks away. <smirk>
actually, i just don't care
about most conversations.
this kind of worries me. i think i am mostly anti-social. i also don't see them as conversations or real dialogue. i see them mostly as somebody's soap box.
what amazes me is the insecurity of seemingly everyone else - they seem to feel like nothings if they aren't being validated all the time.
i don't like participating in this / supporting that kind of behavior. there are other more pressing needs wothy of my energies and attention.
when i talk about this with my few remaining friends, they say there is something wrong (with me) that they can't put their finger on.
i am sure it is the RAD you defined earlier, and i probably need to re-tool my mechanisms for interaction.
but at the same time, i think my disdain and criticism for the way social interaction transpires has foundation.
i have to ask myself if re-tooling myself is what i really want to do, or whether i just want to remain happy as a misfit.
i like company and i also like myself and don't want to re-tool myself. that's the rub.
i would like to live in a world where people speak when they have something constructive to say and where conversation is working towards a goal of greater enlightenment for all. i would like to live in a world where my notes i have carefully penned expressing my inner feelings are not seen as an insult and dodge. i would like to live in a world where people are comfortable and accepting of one another and silence is not seen as a threat.
just this week a co-worker went off on me - a total passive-aggressive outburst out of nowhere - and after some long discussion it was revealed that the source of this hostility towards me was the unsatisfactory way in which i don't stroke his ego with exuberant greetings each morning. holding onto that perceived slight has made him dismiss all the other ways in which i include him socially throughout the day.
all of which makes me never want to go into the office again. i don't feel it is right to impose this insecurity on me, and yet i am forced to re-tool myself and face that pressure every time i walk into the room. is it his (society's) problem or mine? grrrr....
Social detachment
If it were up to me, I would live in total seclusion. As it is, I almost do. Because I have children, though, I am forced to be one within the social world, and I really do not like it.
I believe there is much beauty in this world that I very much want to experience, and very little of it requires hours of conversation with many people. As long as I have one person I could safely share/discuss opinions, I could find much happiness.
I think the re-tooling issue depends on how much you feel you need to be part of society, and how much you depend on others to earn money and afford a means of living.
If you have no problems being alone, and don't suffer from loneliness, and if you have no problems securing money for yourself, I'd say there's no reason to change any of your behaviors.