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Where did it all go wrong?

Kerry's picture
Mon, 2008-08-04 15:45 - Kerry

I just read a story about the adoption of a little girl who was described as being "a feral child".  The story can be found here:  "The girl in the window", http://www.tampabay.com/features/humaninterest/article750838.ece

I believe neglect/abuse cases like this serve a great purpose because hind-sight is almost always 20/20, and many lessons can be learned by the mistakes made by others.

Throughout the story I read "mistakes"... especially when the story focuses on the two mothers.  For instance, there is a part of the story that the adoptive parents mention the role of Dani's mother:

She's out there somewhere, looming over Danielle's story like a ghost. To Bernie and Diane, Danielle's birth mother is a cipher, almost never spoken of. The less said, the better. As far as they are concerned Danielle was born the day they found her. And yet this unimaginable woman is out there somewhere, most likely still on probation, permanently unburdened of her daughter, and thinking — what? What can she possibly say? Nothing. Not a thing. But none of this makes any sense without her.

What's unimaginable to me is how a mother's story can be so easily forgotten, especially when no one wants to take the time to ask, "What happened... what brought you to this place of complete disrepair?  In Dani's mother's case, it all fell apart when her husband got sick and died, leaving her alone with two children.

I dare anyone to read the section about Dani's mother and not be sickened by man's inhumanity to man.

Comments

Mon, 2008-08-04 20:59 — Dad

I'm curious...

Neils wrote:
What's unimaginable to me is how a mother's story can be so easily forgotten, especially when no one wants to take the time to ask, "What happened... what brought you to this place of complete disrepair?  In Dani's mother's case, it all fell apart when her husband got sick and died, leaving her alone with two children.

I've known many mothers and fathers who became single parents after the loss of their significant other to death, addiction, or even simple abandonment.  Not one of them went on to criminally abuse or neglect their children, certainly not even close to the severe extent that Dani's mother did.

I dare anyone to read the section about Dani's mother and not be sickened by man's inhumanity to man.

Oh, I read the section about Michelle Crockett.  Whose inhumanity to whom, specifically?  This is one of the sickest and most severe cases of child neglect I've come across in a long time.  I'm amazed you see Dani's Mother as some kind of victim.

I'm curious.  What kind of reasoning makes Michelle Crocket a victim and Miles Harrison a murderer?

Dad

Mon, 2008-08-04 21:13 — Kerry

Actually...

it was me who wrote the response you quoted.

I believe no one act of abuse comes without a history of abuse or neglect.  It's a legacy given through one generation to another...  this is the pattern of neglect we must ALL look at, so ALL children can perhaps one day live in real safety.

[I also believe where there is weakness, there must come a source of strength, so cases like Michelle's DON'T happen ever again.]

Perhaps my most recent comment in another thread, "The grim reaping of what has already been sown", can better explain why I DO have an element of sympathy for "monster parents".   Keep in mind, too, my birth-mother was a single woman who got pregnant by a military man.  1968.  Don't ever underestimate the after-effects of war.  They are a killer, leaving more victims behind than most people can imagine. 

 

Mon, 2008-08-04 22:19 — Teddy

Well....

When I lost my husband to prison over two years ago....   I'm one which you can use as an example here:
"take the time to ask, "What happened... what brought you to this place of complete disrepair?"

I went into complete overload and ended up in disrepair; nearly total. 
"Not one of them went on to criminally abuse or neglect their children, certainly not even close to the severe extent that Dani's mother did."
WHERE would this have ended for me if someone had not asked "WHAT HAPPENED?"  Within one year my depression
was so severe I felt defeated!  NO, not abuse came from this, but my house was messy and we were all overwhelmed
with what we were left to do by ourselves because of a husband/dad's evil selfishness!!!   I am getting help!  I humbled myself and asked for help.  BUT, are most mothers who lose this much,  in a frame of mind to ASK for help?  ARE there many out there who ASK "what happened?" 

I totally agree with you, Kerry, "I believe no one act of abuse comes without a history of abuse or neglect."   There is a beginning to everything and those who are in denial about finding the beginning before seeking an end will NOT find
healing or answers.

And without those who can say,  "I DO have an element of sympathy for "monster parents,"  where would the likes of me
be?  My sins of omission, (NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE THE ABUSE FROM MY HUSBAND) made me a monster parent (although adoptive) that must now dig deeply into the past to be able to live the present and have a future.  Children are at stake here!  My situation is nothing like Dani's... but aren't they all connected?  Aren't the lives here connected to mine?

" (Those) early relationships, more than anything else, help wire the brain and provide children with the experience to trust, to develop language, to communicate. They need that system to relate to the world."   I was one child who did not learn to trust....   and my three RAD children, who did not have early relationships did not learn to trust.  BUT four of the seven DID learn to trust; and are still learning, along with me!  CHILDREN ARE AT STAKE HERE and people need to say, WHAT
HAPPENED; because there are those who do not know how to say, "I need help."

One Step Up From Bottom,
Teddy

Tue, 2008-08-05 03:09 — Kerry

The shame for asking (or not asking)

If you read the article closely, the reason why the mother didn't want to get help was because she was afraid.

Afraid of what?

Afraid of having her little girl taken away.  There is indeed a sick sadness to that answer.

Meanwhile, no one questioned the child in danger if she was ok.  WHY NOT? 

“I’m concerned, though, that no effort was made to interview the child,” he said.

“If you have a 4-year-old who is unable to speak, that would raise a red flag to me. “I’m not going to tell you this was okay. I don’t know how it could have happened.”

[Statement made by Nick Cox, regional director of the Florida Department of Children and Families.]

The negligence in this case is just so offensive... and so much of it could have been prevented by asking questions.

Mon, 2008-08-04 21:26 — Kerry

You want a "reason"?

What kind of reasoning makes Michelle Crocket a victim and Miles Harrison a murderer?

Michelle should have gotten help and it's been documented that family services failed those children.  Miles Harrison WAS "the help"... he was "chosen" to be the answer to a child's prayers for a safe loving, protective parent.

So much for saving an orphan's life.

Tue, 2008-08-05 00:02 — Dad

Oops.Kerry (not Niels)

Oops.

Kerry (not Niels) wrote:
Michelle should have gotten help and it's been documented that family services failed those children.

Michelle Crockett severely neglected her daughter for years to such a degree that an 18 year CPS  investigator called it the worse she's ever seen.

This was no single act of unintentional gross neglect.  It was a willful act of gross neglect - executed each and every day over many months and years.

"Again the child abuse investigators went out. They offered Michelle free day care for Danielle. She refused. And they left Danielle there."

Yes, family services failed to remove Danielle from her mother - perhaps in the name of family preservation.

Kerry wrote:
Miles Harrison WAS "the help"... he was "chosen" to be the answer to a child's prayers for a safe loving, protective parent.

Reminds me of a local lawsuit filed back when I read the law review for kicks.  Father, drunk off his ass after closing two bars, runs a red light and broadsides another vehicle with his two young children riding shotgun.  One is thrown clear of the vehicle, the other went through the windshield.

Father sues ambulance for slow response and EMTs for inadequate medical care.  I'm not sure how the case was ultimately adjudicated.  No matter what kind of case the father may have had, something stinks here.

Unless you can show me willful intent or a history of negligence, Miles Harrison is guilty of a single act of gross negligence which tragically resulted in the death of his child.  And he should suffer an appropriate consequence.

So should Michelle Crockett.

Kerry:
So much for saving an orphan's life.

Or creating one.

You know, Kerry, if

you're going to insist on happily-ever-after-adoptions-no-exceptions, adoptive parents are going to fail you most of the time.

Dad

Tue, 2008-08-05 01:35 — Kerry

Harsh words...

coming from an adoptive father.  

Say what you'd like, based on your personal experience.  I will do the same:  In terms of "happily-ever-after", I'd rather have been aborted than adopted by a child sex abuser.

Case closed.

Tue, 2008-08-05 02:59 — Teddy

Ditto

Looking back:  I'd rather my soon-to-be ex-husband would have been aborted right along with my parents.

One Step Up From Bottom,
Teddy

Tue, 2008-08-05 03:18 — Kerry

[giggle]

Yep, you are one sick pup! 

Tue, 2008-08-05 05:01 — almost_human

Stupid blame game

From a cursory appraisal of the story, I'd totally agree with you. 
But dig deeper and it's not so simple.

The article says Michelle's I.Q. was 77. 
With an I.Q. that low, she's probably always needed guidance and assistance from others to function at all in society.
And she found none and was totally alone and overwhelmed.

I'd say the real neglecter and abuser in this horrific story is US.
We were the ones not paying attention, letting Dani fall off the radar map.

Yes, Dani's mother was unfit as a parent.
as Michelle's mother was probably unfit as a parent.
as their country is unfit as a civilized country.
I believe this is what Kerry means when she talks about legacy.

Yes, this was an instance of the necessity of adoption as last resort.
But it might have been unnecessary and avoidable if we all gave a shit back when Dani was born.  If we followed Dani home.  If we gave parenting classes.  If we did home care visits.  If we provided job training and day care.  If someone capable had been willing to befriend and mentor Michelle.  Or have been Dani's guardian or co-parent.

Blaming Dani's mother doesn't solve a damn thing now, does it? 
It doesn't give Dani back those years or un-cripple her future.
It doesn't help Michelle become a better parent.
It doesn't help other mothers with impaired faculties.

There is great debate over pregnancy or sterilization of the mentally impaired - what their rights are, how well they can function in society, what should morally and ethically be given and denied them, how responsible they can be, what kind of parents they can be.  Until we can address those issues, we can't also blame them or the results after they've been left to fend for themselves.

Adoption, in this case, in most cases, maybe even all cases, is a piss poor lame, untimely, poorly executed and inadequate way to address fundamental and pressing social issues.