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Adoption - where stockholm syndrome is condoned

almost_human's picture
Sat, 2008-07-26 18:58 - almost_human

for those of you who don't know, stockholm syndrome is when captees start to sympathize with their captors. 
for outsiders who are appalled at that captivity, stockholm syndrome is seen as a direct result of brainwashing.

it seems pretty clear to me that adopted children are captive audiences. 

it would be interesting to compare the phases of captivity with the phases of adoption.

stockholm syndrome seems to not only be condoned, but encouraged in adoptive families. 

i was regularly asked about my adoption experience by others, to which i knew i was supposed to give a positive answer and to which, over time and with the reinforcement of my parents i came to believe that message.  i now realize i was in no position to analyze or realize the truth of my position in that family, and that i had no recourse BUT to say anything else.  i had to sympathize with my parents, because that was the only choice i had. 

who is sadder, the adopted child happily and dumbly accepting this simple charade, or the adoptive parents, willing to settle for coerced love ?

Comments

Sat, 2008-08-02 06:03 — Teddy

Munchausen by Proxy

I see my situation as a bio child whose mother used Munchausen by Proxy as similar to what you are addressing here
with Stockholm Syndrome.  Forgive me if I take some liberties.
You were forced to accept the answers you were fed about adoption and spew them out to please mother dearest?  And
I was forced to accept what my two-headed monster fed others as truth about me.  We had NO other choice; we were THEIR children.
I look back and feel such pain, the pain I forced down in order to survive.
"i now realize i was in no position to analyze or realize the truth of my position in that family..."
WE HAD NO ESCAPE, but to accept our fate!  OH how I mourn the abuse I suffered so stoically. 
Kerry, WHEN did you first realize the truth and accept it as your own interpretation of your position in that family?

One Step Up From Bottom,
Teddy

Sat, 2008-08-02 08:27 — iluvla24

what is munchansen again??

what is munchansen again?? isn't it when the mother thinks that the child has illnesses that aren't there?

Sat, 2008-08-02 15:10 — Teddy

By Proxy

Munchausen is where a person pretends illnesses for the attention; by proxy is where the mother makes it look like
there is something wrong with her child for the same attention.

One Step Up From Bottom,
Teddy

Sat, 2008-08-02 16:30 — Kerry

More details

MBP is a bit more complex:

 (also called Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy, Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome, and Factitious Disorder by Proxy) is a label for a pattern of behavior in which caretakers deliberately exaggerate and/or fabricate and/or induce physical and/or psychological-behavioral-mental health problems in others.

This pattern of behavior constitutes a separate kind of maltreatment (abuse/neglect) that manifests as physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, neglect, or a combination. The primary purpose of this behavior is to gain some form of internal gratification, such as attention, for the perpetrator. 

http://www.mbpexpert.com/definition.html

For examples, you can read case-stories here:  http://www.ashermeadow.com/truestories.htm

 

Fri, 2008-08-15 19:03 — Teddy

Coerced Love

Are children of biological parents not coerced to love their parents?  I desperately wanted my parents love but could do NOTHING to please them enough to earn that love.  The many times a day I would say, "I love you," and heard back a
faint, i love you, too... did this convince me I was loved?  No, it only made me think I wasn't doing enough for them to love me.
Is that not coercion? 
It must be the same for adopted children who want to be loved and accepted but only find they hear the words if they do or say the right things; and spend a great deal of time trying to find the right words to then receive the coveted "I love you," back. 
Am I getting this right?  Please explain your statement:   "i had to sympathize with my parents, because that was the only choice i had."   

One Step Up From Bottom,
Teddy

Fri, 2008-08-15 19:24 — Kerry

proving you are worthy

I won't answer for any other adoptee, but consider how different the following phrase reads when spoken by someone who was legally relinquished, through adoption:

 I desperately wanted my parents love but could do NOTHING to please them enough to earn that love. 

Earning... keeping, sometimes the difference is so small, yet worlds apart.

I too spent a life-time trying to please my Aparents.  What they wanted and liked for/from me did not make me happy or bring me peace, so in the end, for the sake of my own sanity, I had to walk away.  Like you, I tried everything in my power to be pleasing (or is the better word "agreeable"?) and worth keeping, (a good grateful girl does not argue with those who have given so much...).

 

So, who gets what they deserve when love and acceptance has to be earned?  I see that as "forced-love", which in my book, is no love at all.

[Same stripes, different animal?]