Pound Pup Legacy

"I would recommend everyone to read this detailed story of a couple who in their application for adoption had stated they did not want to adopt a special needs child and were not informed about RAD, ADD, ADHD in any form. In fact the whole pre-placement process revolved around angel wings, butterfly kisses and “once they’re home they’re all okay” propaganda."

It's been quite some time since I read Elizabeth's heartwrenching story.  I agree, it's a must read for anyone considering international adoption.

We were incredibly fortunate to have chosen an agency which was brutally honest about all kinds of adoption.  In 1999, the then director of our agency (Barb Holtan) published an article in our agency's monthly newsletter.  I'm going to blow off the dust and post it here.

From the Director... Barb Holtan*
Tressler Lutheran Adoption Services
Tressler Family Connections
March/April 1999 issue

*(Note:  Barb Holtan was interviewed by 48 Hours during their program on international adoptions - which was first broadcast early this year.  I have permission from the author to post this.)

Back in February of 1994, we began receiving calls from families we did not know, in states outside of our service area, asking us if we could find another family for the child they had adopted and brought home from Eastern Europe.  "We  just can't continue," they would say sadly.  "We've heard that TLS finds good families for Special kids.  Can you do that for our son (or daughter)?"

We didn't think much about this (other than to grieve with these disrupting parents and see how we could help) until the calls kept coming and coming.  We started charting these calls and started asking colleagues around the country:
What's happening?  Why all these disruption calls?  And - Why are they calling us - strangers to them - why aren't they calling their own agencies?  We've sure learned a lot about this sad phenomenon since that first contact back in 1994.

I wanted to take the opportunity here to you at this, the five-year point.  I would like to tell you that this was a brief flash in the pan and it has stopped.  It hasn't.  The calls continue to come.

As of March 31, 1999:

- Total number of Eastern European-born children, adopted into the US, whom we have been asked to replace:  78

- That comes out to be 78 in 61 months - more than one request a month, steadily for five years.

- Child's average age when placed with the family:  5.2 years old

- Child's average age when the family called TLS:  7.0 years old   (These are averages - youngest child we were asked to replace was 8 months old, eldest child was 15 years old.)

- About even on gender:  38 girls; 40 boys.

- Number of US states the families have called from:  27

- Countries of origin of the children:
Bulgaria -1
Estonia - 3
Georgia - 4
Lithuania - 1
Moldavia - 1
Poland - 2
Romania - 14
Russia - 50
Ukraine - 2

The families who call are sad, angry, scared, disappointed.  The behaviors of the children have brought them to their knees.  The behaviors they each describe are all so similar and pretty much can be found on the checklists for Reactive Attachment Disorder.  Nowadays, by the time the families get to us, they have already had the child tested and evaluated and the parent rattles off to us over the phone the many diagnoses the child has:  Attention Deficit Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Hyperactivity, Learning Disabilities, possible Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, etc. etc.

I have become rather tedious on this subject, I know.  I have exclaimed about it to colleagues in other agencies, talked about it at Joint Council meetings, consulted with Attachment therapists ("Are you seeing lots of kids adopted from
Eastern Europe?")... Many international agency people would like me to clam up and stop already about this subject.

Believe me, I'd like to.  But then the next call comes from Massachusetts or Illinois or Texas and the story is the same and we try as best we can to help another devastated family.

As long as there are adoptions, there will be disruptions.  We hate this but we accept it as truth.  However, the numbers of disruptions of Eastern European born children are too high - way out of line.  Yes, I know that Russia is sending thousands of children to the US for adoption and statistically speaking, 50 kids (see above) is tiny.  Yes, I know that the only numbers available are those TLS has been keeping and these comprise a count which is necessarily skewed.  No one calls from Idaho to tell me how GREAT their child is doing.  Still - there's too much of it.  Kids have been coming for adoption for over 40 years from other countries.  Ask anyone who has been around during that time working in this field.  If they are being honest, they will attest to the fact that we as a profession have never seen this number of kids with such
severe problems all coming from one part of the world resulting in their adoptive families seeking to disrupt the adoption.

At the risk of being still more tedious, I will again offer for consideration the following things we at TLS believe in and practice and advocate for all adoptions.  This is how to lessen the number of disruptions.  Our 27-year-old program placing only Special kids is living proof of this:

- Solid, Realistic, Educational pre-adoption Family Preparation (and no, this can't be achieved in a weekend or a couple of hours) comprised of lots of information, hard questions and a practice of parent SELF-ASSESSMENT as opposed to agency investigation of parents.

- Meticulous review of background information on the child by the family and the agency worker - asking questions, pointing out red flags.

- Supportive and nurturing post-placement services by the agency which did the Home Study.

- Ongoing post-finalization services as needed over time over the life of the family.  I.e. - the agency responds whenever and for whatever is needed.

EVERY child coming from an orphanage is a Special Needs child - whether s/he is one month old or twelve years old.  The sooner placing agencies start leveling with interested families about this fact and prepare families for this, the more likely it will be that TLS will experience a decline in the numbers of disruption calls coming our way.

Dad

RAD is just ONE of the reasons, IMO, why adoption is NOT in the best interest of the child.

IN A WORLD OF WHY,
Teddy

OK, glad I got that off my chest.

But I will admit that we just received a shipment of replacement antique silverware.  Now that's just too creepy.

Seriously, what is it about RAD children that makes them unadoptable?  Did your children come to you with RAD?  Or are you saying that their adoptions caused their RAD?  What becomes of RAD children who can't return to their biological family?  Permanent foster care?  What?

My daughter lost her loving mother a month shy of her 4th birthday.  The cancer monster ate her.  Her estranged father, an untreated schizophrenic with a history of physical abuse, assumed custody over the objections of her dying mother.  So began her nine month nightmare of severe neglect and sexual abuse.

No, the state did not separate my daughter from her father.  She was literally abandoned, followed by more than a year in foster care (including one disrupted adoptive placement).

It's been almost ten years to the day that we first met our daughter (8/6/98).  She called me "Daddy" on the spot and walked away from her then foster family without so much as a glance backwards.

Dad