OH, KERRY, WHEN I READ THIS FROM YOU IT MADE A HARD LUMP FROM MY THROAT TO MY STOMACH. I WEEP
OVER THESE WORDS.
TO ME, IT'S ALL ABOUT CONTROL, STEMMING FROM GREAT GRIEF IN THEIR LIVES. WHO CAN THEY CONTROL
AND HOW MUCH PLEASURE IT BRINGS TO TAKE FROM INNOCENCE, JUST AS IT WAS TAKEN FROM THEM.
MY FATHER WAS A SICK MAN WHO, I BELIEVE WAS ADDICTED TO HURTING PEOPLE.
HE WAS A SMALL MAN WHO DID NOT GET TO GO TO THE ARMY BECAUSE HE HAD AN INVALID DAUGHTER AT HOME.
HE HAD TO MARRY MY MOTHER AND HE BLAMED HER FOR KEEPING HIM FROM WHAT HE THOUGHT WOULD PROVE
HIM A MAN.
HE BEGAN TO DRINK, A LOT! HE WAS MEAN TO ANIMALS. HE WAS MEAN TO MY MOTHER. HE WAS, IN TURN, MEAN
TO ME AND SEXUALLY ABUSED ME; AND THEN HE SHUNNED ME AND MADE MY MOTHER HATE ME UNTIL THE DAY SHE DIED!
A TRUE PEDOPHILE IS ONLY ATTRACTED TO CHILDREN... SO WHAT EXACTLY ARE THESE MONSTERS THAT ABUSE ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING, AND NOT JUST CHILDREN? THEY ARE EVIL PERSONIFIED AND THEY FEED ON CONTROL.
I will always have a very difficult time discussing my personal experience publically... but the truth is, I have always seen smallness in those who have attacked and hurt me.
Smallness in stature, mental strength and character.
Oh how I loathe those who hurt me... especially since there was a time I once saw them as being so Big and Strong.
I was a child, and I was wrong.
Would you believe it's my hatred for them that keeps my will for survival alive and unsinkable?
As true as The Abyss is for me... it will not own me. I will not give them that power of solitary silence.
THE REALITY OF THE ABYSS AND THE FUN OF LAYING THERE IN THAT FETAL POSITION SCREAMING WOULD HAVE BEEN MY FINAL DESTINATION EXCEPT FOR THE STRENGTH I SEE IN YOU NOT LETTING IT OWN YOU.
I HAVE BEEN HELD DOWN BY SOLITARY SILENCE UNTIL NOW. SOMETIMES MY OUTINGS AMONG PEOPLE ARE NOT PLEASANT BUT THEY ARE NEEDED TO GET PAST THE PLEASURE OF THE ABYSS. I WANT FREEDOM.
HATRED ONLY KEPT ME ON THE BOTTOM. I WILL NEVER LOVE "THEM''; BUT I DO UNDERSTAND HOW YOUR HATRED OF "THEM" KEEPS YOUR WILL FOR SURVIVAL ALIVE AND UNSINKABLE.
I do enjoy knowing you understand the twist to my language as all I once thought was 'love" now reveals itself as hate... and all I hate, I must learn to love. Acceptance and rejection are so confusing to those who were forced to live among dangeous people and places.
I believe in the warmest parts of my cold-heart, that's the root to the Adult RAD's problem: we were taught the wrong language of love... and so few in the world are willing to take the time to teach those who have been cast-away and abused, "it wasn't you... it was them!"
Nature or nurture -- what difference does it make if the child learns all words with action through hidden hatred?
THAT'S THE CONFUSING PART: HEARING THE WORDS, I LOVE YOU, AS A CHILD, FEELING IT THROUGH THE HATRED BEHIND THE WORDS. HOW COULD THAT KIND OF NURTURING EVER PRODUCE THE ABILITY TO ACCEPT REAL LOVE?
WE KNOW IT WAS "THEM" BUT HOW DO WE SORT THROUGH A BILLION "THEMS" AND FIND REAL LOVE?
IS IT THAT WE NEED TO USE THE ADULT "US" TO PROVE TO THE CHILD "US" THAT IT CAN BE DONE; OR IS THE ADULT
"US" UNRELIABLE, TOO?
Words like "I love you" mean nothing to me... they are temporary and removable, all at the whim of one's happiness with me.
"Real love" to me is about the feelings motivating the actions and reactions of a person, and more often than not, the actions of an adult defy the words they choose to use. In my mind, Real Love requires sacrifice, and that's where the depth of a person's wants and needs become brazenly apparent.
Just to keep it simple, as an example, I can tell my children I love them, but what if I refused to talk to them or feed them things I enjoy but know they hate? Children relate words with actions, and create their own meaning behind that which is being said. "Real Love" in that situation would mean I talk and cuddle, even if it's not what I want; I cook what pleases them so they eat... not always focusing on what pleases me. (Does that make sense?)
For myself, finding Real Love among adults means giving people a chance to prove their words and actions are inconsistent, and therefore wrong. [I find that's a very quick and easy way to weed out the fakes and frauds!]
I guess you can say I believe Real Love means consistency, in spite of all that can change or go wrong.
I've found that most people have a way with words, but their actions speak louder, and consistency is truly what you can gauge only actions by. People can be consistent with words; make it up as they go along, but actions leave an impression. Words just seem to flow by unless there is an effort (action) that continues to seek me through the changes or things that go wrong.
Words are cheap; actions cost the giver time to prove themselves.
What I want from another person who is trying to make me believe that they love me are definitions with consistency. It would take them telling me something I don't already know and then making me understand it by how they live it.
Comments
I WEEP
OH, KERRY, WHEN I READ THIS FROM YOU IT MADE A HARD LUMP FROM MY THROAT TO MY STOMACH. I WEEP
OVER THESE WORDS.
TO ME, IT'S ALL ABOUT CONTROL, STEMMING FROM GREAT GRIEF IN THEIR LIVES. WHO CAN THEY CONTROL
AND HOW MUCH PLEASURE IT BRINGS TO TAKE FROM INNOCENCE, JUST AS IT WAS TAKEN FROM THEM.
MY FATHER WAS A SICK MAN WHO, I BELIEVE WAS ADDICTED TO HURTING PEOPLE.
HE WAS A SMALL MAN WHO DID NOT GET TO GO TO THE ARMY BECAUSE HE HAD AN INVALID DAUGHTER AT HOME.
HE HAD TO MARRY MY MOTHER AND HE BLAMED HER FOR KEEPING HIM FROM WHAT HE THOUGHT WOULD PROVE
HIM A MAN.
HE BEGAN TO DRINK, A LOT! HE WAS MEAN TO ANIMALS. HE WAS MEAN TO MY MOTHER. HE WAS, IN TURN, MEAN
TO ME AND SEXUALLY ABUSED ME; AND THEN HE SHUNNED ME AND MADE MY MOTHER HATE ME UNTIL THE DAY SHE DIED!
A TRUE PEDOPHILE IS ONLY ATTRACTED TO CHILDREN... SO WHAT EXACTLY ARE THESE MONSTERS THAT ABUSE ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING, AND NOT JUST CHILDREN? THEY ARE EVIL PERSONIFIED AND THEY FEED ON CONTROL.
IN A WORLD OF WHY,
Teddy
it's a small world
I will always have a very difficult time discussing my personal experience publically... but the truth is, I have always seen smallness in those who have attacked and hurt me.
Smallness in stature, mental strength and character.
Oh how I loathe those who hurt me... especially since there was a time I once saw them as being so Big and Strong.
I was a child, and I was wrong.
Would you believe it's my hatred for them that keeps my will for survival alive and unsinkable?
As true as The Abyss is for me... it will not own me. I will not give them that power of solitary silence.
TAKING STRENGTH
THE REALITY OF THE ABYSS AND THE FUN OF LAYING THERE IN THAT FETAL POSITION SCREAMING WOULD HAVE BEEN MY FINAL DESTINATION EXCEPT FOR THE STRENGTH I SEE IN YOU NOT LETTING IT OWN YOU.
I HAVE BEEN HELD DOWN BY SOLITARY SILENCE UNTIL NOW. SOMETIMES MY OUTINGS AMONG PEOPLE ARE NOT PLEASANT BUT THEY ARE NEEDED TO GET PAST THE PLEASURE OF THE ABYSS. I WANT FREEDOM.
HATRED ONLY KEPT ME ON THE BOTTOM. I WILL NEVER LOVE "THEM''; BUT I DO UNDERSTAND HOW YOUR HATRED OF "THEM" KEEPS YOUR WILL FOR SURVIVAL ALIVE AND UNSINKABLE.
my twisted language
I do enjoy knowing you understand the twist to my language as all I once thought was 'love" now reveals itself as hate... and all I hate, I must learn to love. Acceptance and rejection are so confusing to those who were forced to live among dangeous people and places.
I believe in the warmest parts of my cold-heart, that's the root to the Adult RAD's problem: we were taught the wrong language of love... and so few in the world are willing to take the time to teach those who have been cast-away and abused, "it wasn't you... it was them!"
Nature or nurture -- what difference does it make if the child learns all words with action through hidden hatred?
HIDDEN HATRED
THAT'S THE CONFUSING PART: HEARING THE WORDS, I LOVE YOU, AS A CHILD, FEELING IT THROUGH THE HATRED BEHIND THE WORDS. HOW COULD THAT KIND OF NURTURING EVER PRODUCE THE ABILITY TO ACCEPT REAL LOVE?
WE KNOW IT WAS "THEM" BUT HOW DO WE SORT THROUGH A BILLION "THEMS" AND FIND REAL LOVE?
IS IT THAT WE NEED TO USE THE ADULT "US" TO PROVE TO THE CHILD "US" THAT IT CAN BE DONE; OR IS THE ADULT
"US" UNRELIABLE, TOO?
IN A WORLD OF WHY,
Teddy
actions, feelings, and meanings
Words like "I love you" mean nothing to me... they are temporary and removable, all at the whim of one's happiness with me.
"Real love" to me is about the feelings motivating the actions and reactions of a person, and more often than not, the actions of an adult defy the words they choose to use. In my mind, Real Love requires sacrifice, and that's where the depth of a person's wants and needs become brazenly apparent.
Just to keep it simple, as an example, I can tell my children I love them, but what if I refused to talk to them or feed them things I enjoy but know they hate? Children relate words with actions, and create their own meaning behind that which is being said. "Real Love" in that situation would mean I talk and cuddle, even if it's not what I want; I cook what pleases them so they eat... not always focusing on what pleases me. (Does that make sense?)
For myself, finding Real Love among adults means giving people a chance to prove their words and actions are inconsistent, and therefore wrong. [I find that's a very quick and easy way to weed out the fakes and frauds!]
I guess you can say I believe Real Love means consistency, in spite of all that can change or go wrong.
A Way With Words
I've found that most people have a way with words, but their actions speak louder, and consistency is truly what you can gauge only actions by. People can be consistent with words; make it up as they go along, but actions leave an impression. Words just seem to flow by unless there is an effort (action) that continues to seek me through the changes or things that go wrong.
Words are cheap; actions cost the giver time to prove themselves.
What I want from another person who is trying to make me believe that they love me are definitions with consistency. It would take them telling me something I don't already know and then making me understand it by how they live it.
IN A WORLD OF WHY,
Teddy