Pound Pup Legacy

I'll be the first to admit my adoption-issues go into over-drive, especially when it comes to matters of the private, intimate heart.  Call it hard-core Placement Issue, but although I grew-up in a non-divorced adoptive family, I have always felt broken by my own adoption. [No matter how one looks at it, my natural parents faced a crisis:  the answer was not to resolve it within their family, but to send me away to live forever with strangers they would never know.  How does such a permanent  solution answer a temporary problem?  This all-or-none approach has always scared me, especially during times of personal crisis.  Removal of a person or problems was as easy as the signing of a piece of paper.  All it takes is a piece of paper to determine the fate of one's feelings.  Is there anything scarier than knowing that sort of instability is within the power of certain people?]

It's one thing to remove The Problem... it's another to remove a person because there's "a problem".  Problems, People and Placement ... source and resource, where does a child's broken heart fit in all this adult-made madness?   Where does my heart and sense of loving loyalty belong if so many faces and places can be replaced, and all of it leaves so much of my internal thoughts feeling oh-so-wrong?  Only when I began dating "the wrong type of boys" did I feel the enormity of my own personal-problems, discovering, there is no safety in physical intimacy.  Instead, intimacy brought me MORE problems... problems that cannot be removed like a tic or an unwanted child.

The cruelties of intimate injustice blows my mind, yet I can no longer keep silent with this stuff.  Just once I'd like to have experienced the freedom of unadulterated intimacy without  the lingering thoughts of "family betrayal", guilt and shame.  [Oddly enough, this has been the pattern of personal-relationships for me since I was a child:  choosing one over another meant someone in close-contact with me would feel left, alone and betrayed.  God Forbid I do to others as it was done to me! ] Yes, from the burdens of being born from a woman who fornicated freely, I became the bastard-child of indecent descent.  What a wicked world moral-adoption has brought me!  When does love's safety and security over-ride the crappy-stuff that lives and breeds inside?  Is there purity in all that gets built, then burned to the ground?  I don't know... I feel only emptiness and a longing need to know, "What if things could be different?"  When would it all have to "be different" for me to BE different?  Such are the problems when a child is brought into a world of lies and depravity.

Are there well-adapted adoptees who love others easily naturally and completely without reservation -- or is this romantic parting and pairing of people (through physical intimacy) a body-placement trick that easily gets fooled, cooled and removed by the unsoothed heart?

I can't help but always feel broken, so the dream-concept of Happily-ever-after seems to always explode in my face, especially when I think Love can solve my world of personal problems. 

What keeps "committed couples" together and free from the legacy "broken-promises" brings a family?  [Surely there must be more that binds two people together than a document or two -- because the way I see it, legal recourse only complicates all the things that should feel natural and simple to me.]  What's the secret to long-term shared intimacy, and how does that not get lost forever?

How does love grow and feed a couple in doubt and trouble, and when is it ok to walk away from those who use love as the excuse for abuse?