Why does my Love goes to hide in a cave by himself periodically?
My adopted sweetheart and I have a long distance relationship for about 5 months. Things are going well but there's something I noticed from the very beginning: He can be incredibly emotionally connected, sharing deep feelings, love and attention, showering warmth and care one day. I feel so loved at those times it makes me long for more. However, sometimes when we contact each other, even the very next day, things can be starkly different. He might be distant, formal and cool. Feels like a complete disconnection. When I ask him about it, he tells me he's aware of the disconnection. He just doesn't know why he does it exactly. Does anyone recognize this? Why might this be happening and how can I help? When I ask him if he wants me to leave him alone at those times, he says no, he wishes for me to come and get him out. Anybody has an idea?
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The "Cave-Man" Mentality
I learned from my a.father, men don't tell their mothers or wives how they're feeling inside. Instead, those feelings either get tucked-inside, or they get shared with friends, or those who pose no threat in rejection.
Yet, there's a twist to this because I learned from my a.mother, "silence" is used as a power-play, one often used by a person who needs to keep control in a certain situation. For instance, for the abused child, "keeping quiet" means you don't tell others you're being hurt by someone who could - and should - get in a lot of trouble. That sort of silence keeps a child safe from more harm.
For a lot of people, secrets and lies carry far more consequences than most care to imagine, especially when the child becomes an adult, because the art of effective communication gets ALL MESSED UP!
I know when I grow really quiet, and go inside myself, it's because my mind has been triggered with a thought or a memory that I can't quite put into words that someone else can understand. For the longest time, "not being understood" brought me fuel to my internal rage. I don't always know what's going to trigger me, but I have always known the moment I feel that red-turning black inside me, it's time to to remove myself and seethe in my world of crippled silence.
I can totally see why your partner says to "stay"... but only at a safe-distance. He may be very afraid of his own triggered feelings, and what they mean in relation to you.
"it's not you"
"it's not you", it's who - or maybe what - you represent to that person. I think a lot of divorced people can identify with this because no one from a bad relationship wants to make the same mistakes over again. In fact, I think being adopted is a lot like being divorced, only the broken relationship we suffer from has to do with the separation between the parents and the child. I think the more crappy relationships a person has, the harder it becomes to believe love can be any different.
Once again, trust is a huge issue, so it takes a long time to decide if a person is really safe enough to keep or not.
Don't forget, five months, believe it or not, is a long time, especially when it's hard to open-up to someone. That has to count for something, doesn't it?
recuperation
I recognize what you write in myself. Like you sweetheart I still have my trust hangups in relationships and though I crave closeness, sometimes it is too much for me at a certain point. I feel as much as it gives what I really I need, closeness costs me energy too. Some days I don't have it in me. While I can do all the formal things, I find myself incapable of expressing much if anything personal.
Being personal can't be forced, that would be fake. There are times, I just don't know how to be personal, don't really want to be all that personal, but don't want to be all alone either. That can easily be the day after an especially close day, as if there is all of a sudden the pressure to be so close from now on end.
<nodding>...
I know for myself, I have a very strong sense (and sensitivity) to Control and Ownership, especially in a close-relationship. The last thing I want to lose is whatever sense of myself I have found over the years, so that requires an element of private space I'm not willing to let others quickly invade.... (if ever).
It's like there's this inner-santum inside of me that must be protected, because nothing else was. I think this is why, when a person feels as progress has been made (in terms of getting close to me), I make sure the walls and boundaries are made clear -- proving in some sort of twisted way, "I'm in control of how I feel and act, not you".
Sick, ain't it?
i think you're getting close
i can only speak for myself, but it might have some parallels...
i'm a loner and feel acutely isolated at all times.
on the rare occasions that i connect with someone, i am talented at hyper-charging that time with great affection, tenderness, and meaning.
which is followed by something that feels like what i imagine being loved and nurtured is like.
and then, when the moment is over, i panic and freeze and jump to catastrophic conclusions because i fear being abandoned.
and my way of dealing with that is by being tough, stoic, and remote.
so my fears of abandonment become a self-fulfilling prophecy
nothing brings up those feelings of despair and neglect more than the promise of love and caring, and the fear of that falling through.
hang in there. only constance and stability will reassure the orphan that your love is real.
he probably wants to let go with all his heart, but he's had to be a fortress alone for decades and you've only been a light in his life for five months.
these things take time and patience.