Pound Pup Legacy

I'm always on the look-out for problems in the Adoption Community... "discrepancies', if you will, in the mixed-messaging Adoption Advocates are teaching people about the virtues of taking another child in their homes, and raising it as their own.  Can it be done, (re-assigning a child's place in a "new family") be done in a way that all members in that group are living well-adjusted lives?

Here are some suggestions an adoption support-group, called "Soul of Adoption" offers: [ http://soulofadoption.com/category/adoptive-foster-parenting/attachment-parenting/]

Fostering Attachment in International Adoption When a child is adopted internationally, there is a critical transition in which the child must transfer their attachment from their previous caregiver to their adoptive parents. In short, it is a matter of recreating the attachment process. This occurs when the parents consistently meet the physical and emotional needs of their child. If a child has securely attached to their caregiver (foster family or orphanage workers), then they can transfer that attachment to the parents. The key to making the transfer is that it needs to be clear to the child who their parents are and that their parents will be there consistently to provide nurturance, comfort, and support. In order to make this transfer, it is strongly recommended that adopted children be gradually introduced to extended family and friends. As excited as everyone will be to welcome the child home and as tempting as it is to throw a big party right away, this kind of activity can be confusing and overwhelming to the child. They may placidly let themselves be passed from one person to another. Parents may mistakenly think that this means they are comfortable already. However, their acceptance of the situation may well be because they do not have a sense of where they belong. Any adult can hold them because mom and dad are not yet preferred over anyone else. For this reason, it is recommended that the new family keep activities low key for the first weeks home. Most importantly, mom and dad should be the only ones to provide for the child’s physical needs for the first month or so. Yes, Grandma and Grandpa raised their own children and know how to care for a child. However, at first it needs to be mom and dad who do the feeding, changing, bathing, soothing, etc. Parenting During the Transition During the transition time when the child is beginning to attach to mom and dad, it is important to parent with the transition in mind. In order to foster secure attachment, it may be necessary to do things differently in the short-term than in the long-term. A few recommendations are: · Do not use a babysitter for the first couple of months your child is home. The parents should be providing all of the basic care. · Do not let your child “cry it out.” Sleep disruptions are common when a child first comes home. After all, their whole universe has turned upside down. Although you may let your child cry in the future, during the transition it is important that they know that you will be there to comfort them. · Don’t let your child feed himself, even if he can hold the bottle or manage the spoon. It needs to be clear that you are the one meeting his needs when he is hungry. Feeding time is also a great chance for one-on-one time and eye contact. · Play in ways that foster attachment. Any games that promote eye contact and in which your child must rely on you are good. Some fun attachment activities include: playing in a swimming pool where your child must hold onto you; give your child a laminated picture of the family that they can carry around with them; play peek-a-boo; put a sticker on your face and have your child remove it and put it back on; fill your cheeks with air and have your child “pop” them; mirror one another’s expressions; play hide-and-seek; give your child a ride on a pillow by dragging them across the floor; rock your child to sleep. What About Family and Friends? During the transition, family and friends may feel a little left out. Grandparents, especially, may not be able to spend as much time with their new grandchild or dote on them as much as they would like. This is temporary. Remember: the goal is for the new child to securely attach to their parents. Once that happens, then you will be able to see them, take them on outings, babysit, etc. to your heart’s content! Until then, visits will need to be short. If you want to help the new parents there are many things you can do: · Make meals, package them in freezer containers, and deliver them to the new family · Go grocery shopping and run errands · Offer to clean the house, do the laundry, wash the car, mow the lawn, etc. · Help address and stuff envelopes to mail out homecoming announcements · Be the contact person to share news and updates with other family and friends References: Toddler Adoption: The Weaver’s Craft, Mary Hopkins-Best (1997) Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today’s Parents, by Deborah D. Gray (2002)

At the risk of being a copy-cat, I won't post the comments.  They don't tell much any way, since they ask more than the posts give any answers that can be easily read by the general non-joining public.  This site, was, however recommened to me by our own PPL member,  Bob, who works for Pearl S. Buck Adoption agency.

Seems to me one can't play both sides of the fence when it comes to doing the "right thing".  Must a parent give-up everything to have a child, or have nothing and learn to live with it?