Alone v. Loneliness
I have been reading blog-discussions in a relationship group that discuss feelings of lonliness, and how such lonely feelings lead to the use of porn and solitary sex (masturbation). I think it's easy to see how this secret pattern can cause feelings of guilt and shame which ultimately keeps a person feeling ashamed and unworthy of a loving intimate relationship with another person.
The following comment was made that almost made me laugh: "there really is no reason for anybody to be suffering from loneliness, unless it is possibly an unconscious choice."
Perhaps I'm dead-wrong, but I believe it's very possible to feel very lonely, even if a person is NOT alone. I see this as a trust-issue, one that's rooted in a life-time of neglect and abandonment.
Does anyone else see how loneliness can be more than just a temporary state-of-mind, making porn and solitary sex the only acceptable options an adult would have for sexual release?
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Umm... guess I tend to see
Umm... guess I tend to see loneliness in terms of things other than sexuality. Casual sex is easy enough to find if that is what a person wants but I'm not sure that it's any more satisfying than pornography and masturbation and often is a lot more dangerous
Other kinds of loneliness are far more sole destroying than just not having someone to share an orgasm with, surely
I'm not sure that anyone in the modern world would feel that guilty about having a wank, in the absence of a friend, it's much more about having a life partner than a sex partner isn't it? That's the sole destroying aspect of loneliness, if you allow it to get to you
Seeking (not-so-guilty) pleasure
I know for myself, I always felt isolated and removed from my adoptive family, especially when I realized what I really liked wasn't at all what other family members liked. This made me odd and different, and the things that brought me personal pleasure "stupid". In fact, I found myself feeling far more lonely when I was with people, than if I was left alone. At least when I was alone, I didn't have to fake being Myself. If there was one thing I learned to hate is a fake personality.
What's funny about this is my solitary actions NEVER had to do with sex, per se. Maybe it's a male/female thing, but I never felt the need to masturbate, yet I had an insatiable need to learn all there was to learn about sex. I was the kid looking for a breast or penis in the Adam and Eve story in the Children's Bible I always read. I watched lots of porn with my best friend because we were curious, but never was that curiosity about myself or my own body. We wanted to know our stuff so we would seem like "the best". Knowing we were the best at something was our source of relief. [I call that check-list living because it's based on a list qualifications others have for "being perfect". The more talents we had, the more liked we would become. Desperate is what desperate does...]
I found that's an easy way to get used and abused, so I shut-down for years, deciding my desires didn't matter much.
Meanwhile, over the years, I have found myself increasingly drawn to those who look and feel lonely... and I've discovered my usually hidden sick sense of humour is best appreciated by those who don't typically relate well with others. In my mind, the pleasure I get from making someone laugh is far better than any orgasm I could give because I know the source of an orgasm can be replaced. I don't want to be replaced, (Adoption Issues 101), so I found a way to ensure my special-place in people's lives. I use what I have, naturally: My witty ability to pun, an ability to drip with sarcasm without being too much of a jerk, and a twisted love to laugh at sick, depraved perversities -- all combined with a sweet and innocent looking face -- these keep me safe from the massive rejection I most fear from people.
I learned from complete strangers, who became very dear friends, I can be accepted, even if my natural and adoptive families have proven otherwise.
The problem I find is believing I can't be replaced, even if someone claims to love me, because the truth is, feelings change. I think that hole will always be with me, and that's a loneliness that has it's very dark phases.
There was a time I was very
There was a time I was very sexually active. I hated sex. I feared everything about it, especially getting pregnant, but I felt like it was my duty and obligation to be the pleaser in the relationship. I never knew about a female's orgasm, I just saw sex and masturbation as a male need that could not be controlled. A few years ago I met up this guy I had a huge crush on when I was in high school. We were at a party, I had liquor in my favor, so I went up to him and told him I used to have a secret crush on him.
I think he really liked my confidence, which was fake, so I decided I wasn't going to ruin this chance at a "normal relationship" with sex. He was the first person I ever chose for myself. All the other partners I had picked me, and I never said no.
We dated for a while until I met his family. That's when I felt like the biggest loser in the world. I remember sitting with him and his sisters, thinking "I could never belong here". They all looked alike, and all really liked one another in a way I actually thought was creepy and incestuous. I never saw a family like that, but then I usually dated losers who had major drug problems and no family. This guy was different, so I wanted to be different with him. I suddenly became this virgin-like girl. What a joke that was! I didn't want him to know how ugly my past was, so I acted like I saved my sexuality for a very special man. Looking back, that was really funny because I knew if he knew more about me and my past, he'd dump me.
Turned out we broke up because I didn't seem like the confident girl I was when we first met at the party. Truth is, he told me "it's not you, it's me", and I really believed it. I believed he was far too normal for me, I knew I could never be totally honest with him, and I could never be comfortable around his big loving happy family. I had too many secrets, and I didn't want him to see me even worse than he did before we broke-up. I was sad, but relieved I didn't have to pretend anymore.
After that I went celibate. I think that's even worse, because it proves just how ashamed I have always been about myself, I'd rather do without, than get screwed, and life is much easier not having to worry about sex and pregnancy. I think it's much easier for a female to turn-off her sexuality, but from what I have seen and experienced with men, that's not possible. I never understood that "I have to release it" thing. Isn't that really just an excuse because guys don't think they need to control their sexual impluses like women do? I mean, really, what would happen if a guy stopped shooting his load?
Withdrawl and Rejection
I don't know what it FEELS like to be a man, especially when it comes to "The need for sexual release", (I see this as a justification for a behavior that's no better or worse than the "need" for a cigarette -- it's patterned-behavior based on stress-relief), but I DO know what Withdrawl Symptoms feel like. It ain't pretty, that's for damn sure!
What's interesting to me is how a system, or a pattern, of "painful withdrawl" happens when someone feels rejected and gets stuck in abandonment/abuse issues. It's as if pleasure can't exist without pain, and guilt follows shame, so those four forces become the familiar life-pattern for the person who never felt like he/she belonged, in the first place. For instance, "I don't fit-in with these people, so I'm going to sit alone" While alone, it's easy to get bored... what do many bored lonely people do?
Anyway, I read a very interesting "story" about a man and his masturbating routine, and how ejaculation itself can become addicting: