...when you have no mother... or it's felt as a duty/obligation to gift the woman who calls herself "mom"? Do you follow your own tradition, or bear and grin Mother's Day rituals like the rest of the world seems to do?
I was sitting with friends last night, and the married women were talking about mother's day. They were saying how they hate when their husbands forget them on mother's day and how mother's day becomes all about "his mother" and "his sisters who have kids". One husband said "Why do I have to get you something? You're not my mother."
She responded, "No, I'm the mother of your children. Without me, you'd have no one to call your own."
The women roared!
When it came to my turn to tell what I do for mother's day, my answer ended the conversation. (my answers usually do.)
When you have nothing, you don't have to do anything, so "Mother's Day" is just an ordinary day.
Most articles about Mother's Day repeat the message that ending family-conflict is best for the parent-child relationship, even if resolution has to be started by the child.
Few articles discuss dysfunctional foster/adoptive families, especially in terms of making ammends with Mother.
The closest I found to grieving the missed-mother related to (yes) death.
I will address dealing with Mother’s Day when your mother is deceased.
Obviously, any day that holds memories — such as a birthday, holiday or anniversary — can be be painful, and can remain painful for years.
On Mother’s Day, everyone else is focused on their mothers. So the feeling of missing your mother — and feeling like you are the only one in the world without a mother — can intensify these feelings of loss. This holds whether or not you had a good relationship with your mother when she was alive.
Though Mother’s Day is a "Hallmark holiday," it still is powerful. No matter how old you are, losing a parent is a regressive experience that makes people feel young, childlike and vulnerable.
So it’s OK to understand that Mother’s Day isn’t always happy. Acknowledge that you are sad and miss your mother. There’s no need to pretend it is not a melancholy time for you. Nearly everyone whose mother is absent feels bereft.
Even as you acknowledge that nothing and nobody can replace your mother, if you are a mother yourself, focus on the joy of having your own children. Celebrating your own motherhood will provide solace.
Finally, if you are estranged from your mother, Mother’s Day provides a good excuse for trying to repair the relationship. In some cases, a relationship is so toxic or abusive it is better ended. But there are many more times when that is not the case.
If, for whatever reason, there has been an evolution into a distance, or else a long-past insult that nobody really cares about anymore, Mother’s Day can allow you to mend that rift.
If you do decide to use Mother's Day as an opportunity to heal your relationship, remember that it's not a time to accuse or bring up old wounds. And don't be afraid to acknowledge that you miss having more of a relationship with her.
There is benefit from telling your mother you have been thinking of her and would like to achieve more closeness. The fact it is Mother’s Day will likely soften her up, as well. The time is ripe to make amends. So spend some time together, talk by phone, or send a letter or note. It is wonderful to enjoy your mother while she is still around.
I found for myself, personally, allowing grief - no matter what the day - is the healthiest thing we can do to repair our own broken hearts. After all, not everyone has had a mommy to kiss life's little boo-boos.... sometimes we have to lick our own wounds to get stronger and better.
For those of us from Broken Families, the celebrations continue in June as normal loving family members celebrate the other parent responsible for the children in the house.
Father's Day, contrary to popular misconception, was not established as a holiday in order to help greeting card manufacturers sell more cards.
In fact when a "father's day" was first proposed there were no Father's Day cards!
Mrs. John B. Dodd, of Washington, first proposed the idea of a "father's day" in 1909. Mrs. Dodd wanted a special day to honor her father, William Smart. William Smart, a Civil War veteran, was widowed when his wife (Mrs. Dodd's mother) died in childbirth with their sixth child. Mr. Smart was left to raise the newborn and his other five children by himself on a rural farm in eastern Washington state. It was after Mrs. Dodd became an adult that she realized the strength and selflessness her father had shown in raising his children as a single parent.
The first Father's Day was observed on June 19, 1910 in Spokane Washington.
At about the same time in various towns and cities across American other people were beginning to celebrate a "father's day.".
In 1924 President Calvin Coolidge supported the idea of a national Father's Day. Finally in 1966 President Lyndon Johnson signed a presidential proclamation declaring the 3rd Sunday of June as Father's Day.
Father's Day has become a day to not only honor your father, but all men who act as a father figure. Stepfathers, uncles, grandfathers, and adult male friends are all honored on Father's Day. http://www.holidays.net/father/story.htm
I love how easy it is to suggest "replacement" in the name of a father (or mother)... as if one person can erase the memory of another.
This Father's Day I hope men are taking the time to ask themselves: "Do I know where all my children are?"
I miss mother's day and most holidays and typically find out about them long after they're over. I chose long ago not to force my family into feeling pressured by me or anyone else to do anything that doesn't emanate from their heart. Therefore, anytime they think of me on their own is mother's day, and none of us are forced to stop and reflect on how great or shitty we have it, while being forced to find tokens to give to prove ourselves. I love having no holidays and it makes me appreciate the little moments we share more.
When they were little, holidays got eliminated by downplaying their importance and by celebrating drawings, good deeds, etc., Now that they're grown, we don't exchange gifts - just informally hanging out when schedules permit. What we've lost in tradition, I feel we've gained in meaningful prioritizing. What we give to each other when we do give, is based on spontaneous, genuine thoughtfulness and consideration of each other. I almost feel as if having a holiday to honor anything just once a year is like permission to neglect the rest of the year.
I've been practicing this tradition on my own since I was in high school, where I refused to give based on obligation. It was bad enough to feel obligated every day, why intensify it and for what benefit? I also decided I wouldn't want to put my kids through that, or be on the receiving end of obligation and the resentment that goes along with that. Practices such as mother's day and father's day seem kind of like emotional blackmail. And I never wanted to support that kind of adolescent behavior.
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nothing
I was sitting with friends last night, and the married women were talking about mother's day. They were saying how they hate when their husbands forget them on mother's day and how mother's day becomes all about "his mother" and "his sisters who have kids". One husband said "Why do I have to get you something? You're not my mother."
She responded, "No, I'm the mother of your children. Without me, you'd have no one to call your own."
The women roared!
When it came to my turn to tell what I do for mother's day, my answer ended the conversation. (my answers usually do.)
When you have nothing, you don't have to do anything, so "Mother's Day" is just an ordinary day.
A time to breathe and grieve
Most articles about Mother's Day repeat the message that ending family-conflict is best for the parent-child relationship, even if resolution has to be started by the child.
Few articles discuss dysfunctional foster/adoptive families, especially in terms of making ammends with Mother.
The closest I found to grieving the missed-mother related to (yes) death.
I found for myself, personally, allowing grief - no matter what the day - is the healthiest thing we can do to repair our own broken hearts. After all, not everyone has had a mommy to kiss life's little boo-boos.... sometimes we have to lick our own wounds to get stronger and better.
It's time for The Fathers...
For those of us from Broken Families, the celebrations continue in June as normal loving family members celebrate the other parent responsible for the children in the house.
I love how easy it is to suggest "replacement" in the name of a father (or mother)... as if one person can erase the memory of another.
This Father's Day I hope men are taking the time to ask themselves: "Do I know where all my children are?"
what day?
I miss mother's day and most holidays and typically find out about them long after they're over. I chose long ago not to force my family into feeling pressured by me or anyone else to do anything that doesn't emanate from their heart. Therefore, anytime they think of me on their own is mother's day, and none of us are forced to stop and reflect on how great or shitty we have it, while being forced to find tokens to give to prove ourselves. I love having no holidays and it makes me appreciate the little moments we share more.
When they were little, holidays got eliminated by downplaying their importance and by celebrating drawings, good deeds, etc., Now that they're grown, we don't exchange gifts - just informally hanging out when schedules permit. What we've lost in tradition, I feel we've gained in meaningful prioritizing. What we give to each other when we do give, is based on spontaneous, genuine thoughtfulness and consideration of each other. I almost feel as if having a holiday to honor anything just once a year is like permission to neglect the rest of the year.
I've been practicing this tradition on my own since I was in high school, where I refused to give based on obligation. It was bad enough to feel obligated every day, why intensify it and for what benefit? I also decided I wouldn't want to put my kids through that, or be on the receiving end of obligation and the resentment that goes along with that. Practices such as mother's day and father's day seem kind of like emotional blackmail. And I never wanted to support that kind of adolescent behavior.