The problem I have is not trusting my own motives. I know I have always been a People-Pleaser... denying my own wants and needs for the sake of someone else's happiness. I think for many of us adoptees, this is a hard-core issue because it's parent-related. I wanted to please everyone in my family because I could not bear rejection. Yet so much of Me was dismissed and negated by their actions and reactions to my choices and behaviors, I have grown to believe my inner-thoughts and feelings don't matter. I have become numb to feelings of worth or self-importance, so I find myself doing things not because those things bring me happiness, but because I'm so tired of being ignored.
I voted yes but I used to make decision to please people not long time ago.
Now, when I make decisions, I make them for me but not to please people. I still have to be careful to not say yes only to please someone when I would say no for my health.
I know I can make rash decisions, when feeling pushed against the wall. Over the last couple of weeks I was sick and felt as if everything was too much. I've been in that situation before and usually I take drastic steps that do indeed reduces a lot of the stress I am having, but after a while I end up in the same old pattern again anyway. This time around I chose not to make any decisions, just tried to get well. I stayed away from the computer for a while and where in the past I would have sworn never to touch a keyboard again, this time around I just stayed away for a while until I felt ready to pick up where I left off. I think this is progress, I'm tired of starting all over again once every couple of years, I need some constancy in my life.
I can be very impulsive and sometimes my immediate decisions aren't "thought out" to the degree they could be. However, I can also "over think" decisions when I feel like I need to make quicker ones. My problem is finding the balance in between. Something I'm working on more and more this year. Really listening to my "inner self" because my inner self is the only one I trust.
There is that part of my inner self that sometimes I don't want to trust. Its the "abandoned" inner self that I don't want to listen to always (its NOT always wrong) because if I did, I wonder if I'd ever come out of my house again. Sometimes I just want to crawl up and live behind my computer screen because I'm too insecure to deal with the world. But when I can get passed that, and remember to enjoy the rainbows and the sun. When I can find what I appreciate and devote my time to that, I remember to appreciate myself. That is when I trust myself. When I believe in me, and I know the decision is right. Following my heart, healing my soul and building my strength to join the army and defeat the industry. I believe in that, and I trust things that lead me to that more than less.
And she bore him a son and he (Moses) called his name Gershom "for," he said "I have been a stranger in a foreign land." ~ exodus 2:22
I think so much of my own difficulty behind the decision-making process has been about Passion -- or lack of it. I can be so detached from a certain situation, yet so determined to "do well", a false-impression of interest and enthusiasm can easily seen by others. I believe that's what gets me lost in isolating holes I hate... because I'm NOT being true to myself -- I'm simply doing what's expected, regardless of my own personal passions or feelings.
Comments
I do (and I don't)
I trust my ability to do things.
The problem I have is not trusting my own motives. I know I have always been a People-Pleaser... denying my own wants and needs for the sake of someone else's happiness. I think for many of us adoptees, this is a hard-core issue because it's parent-related. I wanted to please everyone in my family because I could not bear rejection. Yet so much of Me was dismissed and negated by their actions and reactions to my choices and behaviors, I have grown to believe my inner-thoughts and feelings don't matter. I have become numb to feelings of worth or self-importance, so I find myself doing things not because those things bring me happiness, but because I'm so tired of being ignored.
Yes but...
I voted yes but I used to make decision to please people not long time ago.
Now, when I make decisions, I make them for me but not to please people. I still have to be careful to not say yes only to please someone when I would say no for my health.
decisions
I know I can make rash decisions, when feeling pushed against the wall. Over the last couple of weeks I was sick and felt as if everything was too much. I've been in that situation before and usually I take drastic steps that do indeed reduces a lot of the stress I am having, but after a while I end up in the same old pattern again anyway. This time around I chose not to make any decisions, just tried to get well. I stayed away from the computer for a while and where in the past I would have sworn never to touch a keyboard again, this time around I just stayed away for a while until I felt ready to pick up where I left off. I think this is progress, I'm tired of starting all over again once every couple of years, I need some constancy in my life.
Impulsive
I can be very impulsive and sometimes my immediate decisions aren't "thought out" to the degree they could be. However, I can also "over think" decisions when I feel like I need to make quicker ones. My problem is finding the balance in between. Something I'm working on more and more this year. Really listening to my "inner self" because my inner self is the only one I trust.
There is that part of my inner self that sometimes I don't want to trust. Its the "abandoned" inner self that I don't want to listen to always (its NOT always wrong) because if I did, I wonder if I'd ever come out of my house again. Sometimes I just want to crawl up and live behind my computer screen because I'm too insecure to deal with the world. But when I can get passed that, and remember to enjoy the rainbows and the sun. When I can find what I appreciate and devote my time to that, I remember to appreciate myself. That is when I trust myself. When I believe in me, and I know the decision is right. Following my heart, healing my soul and building my strength to join the army and defeat the industry. I believe in that, and I trust things that lead me to that more than less.
And she bore him a son and he (Moses) called his name Gershom "for," he said "I have been a stranger in a foreign land." ~ exodus 2:22
Finding passion's drive
I think so much of my own difficulty behind the decision-making process has been about Passion -- or lack of it. I can be so detached from a certain situation, yet so determined to "do well", a false-impression of interest and enthusiasm can easily seen by others. I believe that's what gets me lost in isolating holes I hate... because I'm NOT being true to myself -- I'm simply doing what's expected, regardless of my own personal passions or feelings.