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The Divorce-Alternative

Kerry's picture
Thu, 2008-04-17 19:17 - Kerry

I had a very interesting discussion with a good friend today... we were talking about the moral-alternative to divorcing a man who makes a great dad, but hideous husband.  Often, a couple will get married because a child is involved, but later divorce in misery because the marriage aspect of the relationship sucked.  Specifically... no one was getting sex or feeling remotely liked, "in that way".

Speaking from experience, for some couples, there's no therapy in the world that can fix sexual incompatibility.  It's either There, or it Isn't... and I think if more people were honest, they would agree many marry not because they love their partner so deeply and madly and the sex is best they ever found, but rather  they marry because it's a settled-decision... a settlement... an agreement based on Do or Die, leading towards The Traditional (religious) Family Way.

So here's my question:  would it be so awful to remain legally married to the partner who parented your children, (for monetary and convenience sake) yet still have visitation rights with an exclusive lover if both parties agreed to such an arrangement?

 

Comments

Wed, 2008-07-02 03:42 — Teddy

TAKING OFF MY PIOUS CAP

I did not marry for love.  I'm in that category of The Traditional (religious) Family Way.  It was what was right?
In these 32 years, I have not fallen in love and he has literally destroyed the family.  Divorce is not a given.
So what is left?  Be a martyr and continue to die emotionally day by day, or find some sort of fulfillment that
does not include the poor excuse for a husband...?
As a woman who stays married for the insurance and the fact that I don't believe in divorce, I am inclined to
think I deserve something more in life.  I'm still waiting.
If an arrangement was agreed upon that I had the right to discreetly  seek a compatible 'friend', as did he,
while everyone kept the lifestyle they were accustomed to, would it be right? 
I would call my marriage such as was Paul's thorn in the side (Bible Paul) that he begged the Lord 7 times to
remove; and God made him keep it to keep him humble.  I've come to the conclusion that the more I don't
make God mad at me the more I am able to accept this hideous marriage as making me humble.  My answer
is that, IMO, God would show His anger against me if I broke my covenant of marriage vows.  BUT, that's
just me. 

IN A WORLD OF WHY,
 Teddy

Thu, 2008-07-03 13:57 — Kerry

Fixing The Broken

You will have to excuse my mockery of "breaking marriage vows", when the most common phrase said during a religious marriage ceremony is:  "What God has put together, let no man put asunder".

Surely you can appreciate this twisted, thorny irony for me, given the fact that I was taken from my mother's uterus and sold to strangers who wanted to have someone's baby.  As a result, I tend to find laws, rules and Commandments a bit confusing.  [For instance, "Honor Thy Mother and Father".... ugh, which one?".]

That being said... for the sake of conversation, can you help me understand why a marriage vow is more important than a mother's healthy relationship with her child?

[Keep in mind the mother of all illegitimate children, Mary married after conception, and after her son Jesus turned 13, Joseph, the step-father, was no longer mentioned in either person's life.  Divorced or dead, there is no say as to what happened to Mary's legal husband.  All we know is Mary stayed with her son, through the crucifixion and all.]

I find it especially interesting you feel a thorn is a healthy reminder of your promise to God... when God never ordained marriage as a commandment for his people.

In the wisdom and plan of Almighty God the marriage relationship between man and woman was provided. After God had created the earth and prepared it in every way to be suitable to man, He said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him” (Genesis 2:18). It seems that this was the one lack in Adam's life, namely, a woman who could be his companion, receive his love, and share his dominion over the earth. So God created the woman and presented her to Adam. The first marriage was God's doing. Marriage was not a human idea but a Divine institution.

It might surprise some of you when I point up the fact that the perfect man in the perfect environment was incomplete without the woman. Adam's living conditions were ideal, yet something important and necessary to him was missing. And it is evident from the biblical account that another person exactly like Adam could not meet his need. God knew that a male companion for Adam could never fill the void in his life. Man needs a woman.

Now there is an exception to this principle that, “it is not good that the man should be alone.” The exception is with the man who has the gift of celibacy, which is the state of remaining unmarried. Paul discusses celibacy in 1Corinthians 7:6-8. He states that where this exception exists it is a gift from God. Not that celibacy is a holier state than marriage. It is a false system of spirituality which contends that celibacy is somehow holier than marriage. Because of man's normal waves of libido, marriage can contribute to his spirituality, “for it is better to marry than to burn” (I Corinthians 7:9). The Roman Catholic Church is having serious problems in this area. It has been reported that more than 3,000 priests leave the priesthood every year, the majority of them giving as their reason the desire and need for marriage. Unless a man has the gift of celibacy, the Roman Church has no right to impose such a restriction on any priest. Moreover, young men considering the priesthood as their vocation for life should make certain that they possess the gift of celibacy. It was God who said, “It is not good that the man should be alone.”

http://www.bible.org/page.php?page_id=1287

Now, I always understood the rule to marriage, as outlined in 1 Corinthians 7:9, quite simple:  Marriage is not an ordained law (written, required or ordered) by God, but rather it was accepted by Him as a means to keep sexual depravity to a limit.  I see marriage as a  legal agreement that honors sexual release/freedom between two people.  This sexual union would lead to pregnancy, and THAT is the relationship that should be MOST honored, as reflected in God's 10 Commandments. 

But if they do not have self-control, let them get married. For it is better to marry than to burn with sexual desire. 1 

Does this not suggest loving companionship is more Godly than being legally bound to a person who destroys others with sexual deviation? 

My question to you is:  which promise is more important --  the one created by man, or the one created through birth?

 

 

Thu, 2008-07-03 21:04 — Teddy

WARNING/NOT FOR NON-BELIEVERS! My opinions only

My marriage to an evil man, as opposed to a man of God has proven that we were doomed from the beginning. "Thou
shalt not be unequally yoked."  We all agree that adoption is NOT what God meant when he said he would bless the
fruit of the womb in a blessed marriage.  So I'm doomed there, too.  But only as far as the marriage/children are concerned.
Me, myself, as a baptized believer in Christ, and His salvation of my soul through His death, burial and resurrection, assures me that I alone, and not this doomed marriage, am blessed.  BUT, HIS words on marriage lead me to believe that
I had one chance for a blessed marriage and I blew it BIG TIME!  I am not the virgin HE meant to bless in a HOLY marriage.
But hot having sex for 18 years; I feel like a virgin.

My first thought is that the man and woman became "one flesh."  Literally, they had sexual intercourse.  In becoming one, it made the womb a sacred place that God had "put together" with the sperm of the chosen male's penis so that the children would be conceived as in a covenant with God.  Psalm 127: "Children are the heritage of the LORD, the fruit of the womb is HIS reward (to the husband and wife), happy is the man who has his quiver full of them."  It was the FIRST blessed union.

Marriage, in God's eyes is sacred, just as Christ is the Bridegroom and the Church is the Bride.  One bride and one groom.
Not all will come to saving grace through Jesus Christ and become God's people, so the CHURCH/BRIDE (God's people)  is ONE and can never be more.  I'm talking about the universal Church which is world wide; ONLY God's people are the church/bride and Christ is the Bridegroom.  The point here, IMO, literally is: ONE husband for ONE bride.

In the Scriptures the relationship between God and God's people is often described in terms of a marriage. The early Christians, reflecting on Christ's love for us, also used this image. Christ and the Church embrace in mutual love and self-giving, even as do husband and wife (see, for example, Ephesians 5:21-33). "'For this reason a (one) man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his (one)  wife, and the two will become one flesh."

In the Song of Solomon we find the way a marriage should be...  it's a rather erotic book of the Bible, written by a man whom God told what to write. (the scripture is God breathed) I would LOVE to have a marriage as described there.  WOW!

God only allowed divorce because of the sinfulness of man, not because He wants everyone to be sexually satiated/satisfied and if not in one, then maybe in another marriage.  His idea was, "Be fruitful and multiply."  Modern people's idea of marriage is, if this one doesn't work then maybe another one will.

Even the Catholic church KNOWS God is not for divorce because only one marriage can be blessed. Being married to one
man and having a compatible relationship with another, even if the husband agrees (what say does he have before God?)
is still against the 10 commandments (thou shalt NOT commit adultery).  To me this means the blessings on the marriage and the man and woman, plus their children are taken away.  So what remains if we do not have God's blessing?  We are open to every evil the world holds.

I just don't think we have a leg to stand on when we cry out to God, " This man betrayed me, and there was never sex for me, only him and I want a man/companion to be compatible with." 

IN A WORLD OF WHY,
Teddy

Fri, 2008-07-04 13:45 — Kerry

Doomed by the deceiver

Don't you think God is open to forgiveness to the faithful-woman who reveals to Him her shame and remorse for a bad choice made in desperation?  I am not religious, but I am highly spiritual and relatively well-read in the Bible.  [I don't do quotes as much as concepts, because I had no strrong family-teaching in moral-living].  As such, I am firm believer that with Goodness comes evil, so isn't it possible satan leads God's Followers away from peaceful living through half-truths, false facts and hidden lies?

If a woman marries because she's in a desperate, depressed state, couldn't that marriage be the mistake God wants YOU to forgive (for yourself)?  I mean really, what all-loving Father wants a child to live in chronic shame and fear?  I thought with confession there came acceptance and a new life-lesson.... and I thought through Jesus, forgivess was possible, even for the worst of all sinners.

Maybe I'm the wrong person to ask these things, but I believe sex or escape is a terrible reason to find or keep a marriage.  Mistakes are human, yes... so I'd like to think forgiveness is divine.

Fri, 2008-07-04 16:15 — Teddy

Jesus forgives ANYTHING.

Jesus forgives ANYTHING.  I guess I just don't see my husband's evil, as a mistake.  How can I forgive (I have) and forget, when I see the results of that selfish evil trickle down on our whole family? He's been gone two years and I'm just now seeing myself be somewhat normal.  But the repercussions for my children will last the rest of their lives.  How can I want happiness for myself when I feel, all around me the results of what he chose to do? 
YES, Kerry, I deserve some happiness; I desire a companion to be compatible with, but outside of marriage it would only bring more guilt and shame.  Biblically speaking, I have the right to divorce him.  But then there would be no insurance, which is my last link to some control in my life.  We have $800.00 of monthly medical bills plus all the testing, to stay alive.
I feel like God demands a lot from me and I don't see any way out of this marriage, even though he will be in prison for 15 more years. 
The state is very fickle: medicaid one month and the next they shove you out and let you starve.  You can't count on it.  Our retirement  insurance is cheap; they only require $152.00 a month to keep us all  fully covered.
I can't even draw on his SS because he is in prison...  He really destroyed many lives and futures with his evil, selfish greed.
I would really like you to point me to satan's half truths, false facts and hidden lies so I CAN be set free from this destroyed marriage.  I'm serious.

IN A WORLD OF WHY,
Teddy