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Lies, Lies, and MORE Lies...

Mon, 2008-03-31 18:07 — Kerry

In the Adult-Aftermath section, I have a brief piece written by an adoptive mother who has been writing to me for a couple of years.  In her private letters, she describes horrific accounts of RAD behavior gone really bad and dangerous in her home.  This is especially sad since there are many siblings within that family affected by the RADical behavior.  She writes to me because we have bonded in a most unusual and unexpected way:  we both understand the language of abuse and rage.  It's by no means pretty.

One of the things she has explained to me is the stories told to her about the children's mothers, and how careless they were during/after pregnancy.  I mention this here, because my adoptive mother did the same about me and my natural mother.  I was told my mom was a drunk and had no ability (or desire) to take care of me. 

I'm wondering how familiar is this story, and is it a reflection of the poor services/support available to pregnant women, OR does it refelct a generic description of birth-mothers given by those who don't want the child to miss what could have otherwise been?

 

Comments

Thu, 2008-05-08 19:45 — kimette

They couldn't lie to me but they did too.

I was adopted at 9 years old, I lived with my family during 8 years old, so I knew  my history, I knew who were my parents and my siblings.
They couldn't lie to me about my birth parents but they did...  in many other ways. Few examples.

1) During my childhood in Korea, I was timid but I could easily make friends. When I came to Canada, I was afraid to go to other children. I never tried to make friends in case they would tell me the expression: slant eyes or chinese eyes.
After three years, I have stopped going out after someone threatened me to hurt me for my chinese eyes. It was the 2nd time that I was threatened so horribly. I coudln't trust anyone, the only persons that I could trust were my Aparents.
Then my A-father started to explain my asocial behaviour: "It's not my daughter's fault if she is asocial, it's in her korean nature."

2)  I was 10 years old the first time I got mad at someone. I was so angry that I yelled at my neighbor. I had a very good reason to be angry at her.
 During the following years, I never showed my anger but my a-mother often repeated that Koreans were all aggressive. As a proof, she used to tell about that first time (and last time) I expressed my anger.

3) When I expressed my sadness, they were immediately saying that it was all my birth father's fault. (That's because, I told them that I saw him drunken only once).
My depression was not my fault, it was in my gene. So I had to show a happy face if I didn't want to hear about my korean heredity.
Doctors always wanted to know if my birth mother or birth father were depressive. I never talked to any of the doctors but for them, my depression was a result of the neglect from my birth parents.

The worst thing is that I believed them. I only started at 34 years old to say gradually that these were LIES, just like my adoption was a result of lie.

Thu, 2008-05-08 21:08 — Kerry

Naming the source

When I expressed my sadness, they were immediately saying that it was all my birth father's fault. (That's because, I told them that I saw him drunken only once).
My depression was not my fault, it was in my gene. So I had to show a happy face if I didn't want to hear about my korean heredity.
Doctors always wanted to know if my birth mother or birth father were depressive. I never talked to any of the doctors but for them, my depression was a result of the neglect from my birth parents.

There's an article that many "adoption specialists" like to use for their own propaganda regarding the cause of a child's depression and ADHD:  "Stress in Pregnancy".

However, where are the professionals when asking "How does the stress of an impending relinquishment affect an unborn baby?"

Depression is anger turned inwards, affecting our innards more than those outside us.  Anger.  What does a child who feels lost and lonely feel?  Genetic?  You bet... what child doesn't dream about Going (sweet, safe) Home?