Pound Pup Legacy

Ask the TA

Q: Why is it that after reaching orgasm with a person, you don't want to see them any more?

A: (This question was asked by a male). As cliched as it probably seems, it sounds like you might have difficulty with intimacy. This is a problem for a lot of people, especially men, so you're not alone.

Without knowing you at all, my guess is that you've separated your sexual feelings from your emotions. As a result, once you have sexual feelings for a woman, connecting with her on an emotional level is difficult for you. You may also have fallen into what some people call the "Madonna/Whore Syndrome," in which you can deal with a woman who is either lovable or sexual but not both.

Re-integrating sexuality and intimacy is difficult, but it's worth it if you ever want to have a close, loving relationship. One suggestion I have is to swear off the one-night stands and quick sexual involvement for a while. If you meet a woman you like, give yourselves time to get to know each other (meaning several weeks at a minimum, not several hours!) before you start instigating anything more than some passionate kissing. Once you've invested something in the relationship, you might be less likely to walk away when you do get around to going to bed together. You also might find that the sex is more enjoyable when you're using your heart as well as your body.

Q: Is sex necessary to live a full life?

A: For most people, it's desireable to have a sexual relationship at some point in their life. This doesn't hold true for everyone - there are plenty of priests and nuns and even confirmed single people who never have sex but feel they have had very rich, enjoyable lives. However, most people want to have an intimate primary relationship of some kind at some point, and generally sex is a part of that. Some people don't ever want an intimate relationship but still want to have the enjoyment of sexual activity.

The only thing I would caution you on is not to make the mistake of thinking that you can't have a full life until you've had sex, or that you can't consider your life full if you're not having sex right now. If you waste your life wishing for something you don't have, you definitely won't have a full life.

Q: Why do I tend to masturbate more when I'm having sex on a regular basis?

A: My theory is that sex breeds sex. Think about it: You and your partner have a night of passionate nookie. You wake up the next morning with a pleasurable memory, so you get a little turned on and masturbate. Later that night, your honey is back and the two of you have another romp in the sheets. The next day, you find yourself dwelling on that terrific thing s/he does to your earlobes a couple of times and so you masturbate twice. Sex breeds sex. Makes sense to me, anyway!

Q: Is there a way to give a woman less pain the first time?

A: Maybe. Physically, it can help to work up to penetration for the first time by using fingers first to stretch the hymen over a period of time. The woman's partner can use one or two fingers to penetrate her vagina during lovemaking over a period of days or weeks, working up to three or four fingers eventually (don't try to jam them in flat - make a "duck bill" with your hand so the four fingers are somewhat stacked together). It's also always helpful to use lots and lots of lubricant to reduce pulling, friction, or abrading of her inner labia and vagina.

There is a mental component as well. If she's nervous or worried, her muscles will be tense, including her vaginal muscles. So try to eliminate as many worries as possible: make sure you've chosen birth control and STI prevention, and have everything on hand. Make sure you have a private location that won't be suddenly invaded by your mom or your roommate or your dog. Make sure it's warm enough and comfortable.wherever you are. Give her a little massage first to help her relax. She should be clear in her own mind that she's ready to have sex and not feel pressured or forced into it.

One last thing - she might, if she chooses, have one drink to help herself relax. Let me be really clear: one drink, after she's decided to have sex. Not two or five or eight drinks, not having a drink to help her decide to have sex. One beer or one glass of wine, not a 40 oz. or a whole 6-pack of wine coolers or tequila shooters on a dare. One drink, when she already knows she wants to have sex and is prepared to have sex, can help reduce worry, nervousness, and self-consciousness. (Sorry, I just don't want anyone emailing me saying "I got plastered and had sex and it was terrible and it's all your fault!")

Q: If a girl is giving a guy oral sex, is it bad to swallow?

A: There is nothing inherently dangerous or bad about swallowing semen, whether you're male or female, as long as you are 100% certain your partner is disease free. If there is any chance at all, no matter how slight, that your partner might have any kind of STI or might have been unfaithful to you, do not have oral sex without using a condom. Do not let him cum in your mouth, even if you don't swallow. Don't even take his penis in your mouth without a condom on it - all kinds of scary critters, including HIV, can live in "pre-cum" and others like herpes can live on the skin of the penis or scrotum.

Swallowing isn't the problem, because digestive juices should destroy anything scary by the time it gets to your stomach. The inside of your mouth is. It can be full of tiny scrapes, cuts, and sores without you even realizing it (do you have gingivitis? Ever get a fever blister, or bite your cheek, or scrape your gum with your toothbrush?), which are perfect places for HIV to enter, and herpes just loves warm, moist tissue like your lips and mouth area.

If you know, you're absolutely certain, that your partner is safe, then go ahead and swallow if you want. The worst effect you might get is a little nausea, if you don't like the taste or the sensation, or maybe a mild stomachache. There isn't that much semen in one ejaculation anyway, so you'd have a rough time doing yourself any real harm.

Q: Do men who are receiving anal sex experience pleasure?

A: Absolutely. In addition to the nerves which both men and women have in and around the anus which can create pleasure when stimulated, men also have the prostate gland, which is conveniently located around the urethra in a perfect position to be massaged by anal penetration. Many men, gay, straight, bisexual, and otherwise, enjoy prostate massage so much that they like to be penetrated with a finger, butt plug, or other object even when they're doing the penetrating of someone else - many also say it heightens their orgasm. And to top it off, the whole mental rush of doing something "bad" frequently intensifies the sexual experience as well.

Q: How can a parent, guardian, or teacher teach a teenager basic family values? How do you go about presenting values and morals that basically do not change?

A: I don't know what you consider to be values that "do not change," or what values are important to you. As someone who's probably in between your generation and your teen's generation (and who spends a lot of time thinking " what's wrong with kids today?" and feeling like an old fogey), I think most of our sexual values and morals have changed, and many of them for the better. For example, I'm glad that homosexuality and bisexuality are more acceptable to many people than they were 40 years ago. I'm glad that women can now acknowledge their sexual feelings and desires, and that men don't always have to be responsible for initiating relationships and sexual encounters.

However, I do have a general opinion of how to convey values to your kids (who knows whether it works or not - guess I'll find out myself one day!). I think you establish a dialogue from the time they're very small, a sense of openness in which the two of you talk about a wide variety of things, not just rules and expectations and Shouldn'ts and so forth. I think you get in the habit of seeking out each other's opinions, and you as the parent practice listening to your kids even when you don't agree with them. You practice being wrong sometimes and admitting it, so they'll respect you when you're right. You acknowledge that you won't always see eye to eye with them and remind yourself that the world won't end.

And then along the way, you work into your conversation examples of the values which matter to you. You demonstrate those values in your behavior, and be honest about mistakes you made. You have discussions with your kids about exactly why those values are important, what your fears are if they don't adopt them, and so forth. You listen to their reasoning if they disagree, and sometimes you agree to disagree or even admit that maybe your values are outdated. Sometimes you respect their right to disagree but spell out consequences if they don't follow your rules while they're in your house. You choose your battles carefully. And you cross your fingers and hope it works. Good luck.

Q: How do you determine promiscuity for women? How much is too much? And the same for men?

A: There's no formula or number that I can give you. If you injure your genitals because you're having so much sex, that's probably too much. If you neglect your other responsibilities in order to have sex, that's probably too much. If you're lying about sex, or stealing money to pay for sex, or wrecking your relationships, that's probably too much. If having casual sex is interfering with your chances for intimacy, that's probably too much. If you're with a single partner but the two of you never leave the house, that's probably too much. And if none of these things are happening, well, it's your judgement call, not anyone else's.

Q: Does sex during pregnancy hurt the child?

A: Generally not. The developing fetus is protected by the cervix - the opening or "neck" of the uterus. This opening is tightly closed throughout nearly all of the pregnancy, so there is no way a penis could get through and touch the amniotic sac or the fetus inside.

Q: Can a person with HIV or herpes ever have sex without a condom?

A: That's a complicated question to answer. In the case of herpes, if the infected person's partner does not have herpes, it's best to always use condoms. Some partners choose to go without unless their partner feels an outbreak coming on (many people can tell when they are a few days away from a herpes outbreak, because they get pain and tingling in places around their genitals), but there is still a small risk of infection. Partners who both have herpes should, as far as I know, be able to have genital sex without a condom, but have to be careful not to spread it to the mouth or anus through other kinds of unprotected sexual activity.

In the case of HIV, it used to be assumed that if both partners were HIV-positive, sex without condoms was OK. However, now we know that there are many different strains of HIV, and it is possible to be infected with more than one. So if you have Type X and your partner has Type Y, you could swap viruses and the second HIV infection could make each of you sick sooner, could make your HIV treatment drugs less effective, etc.

If one partner is HIV positive and one HIV negative, it is never safe to have sex without a condom, period. The best answer to the above, though, is ask your doctor. We are learning new things about both HIV and herpes all the time, so make sure you consult someone who's up to date, especially before deciding to have sex without a condom.