When can I remove the burden of proof?
I'm tired. I'm sick and tired, and I've come to realize what makes me so fucking tired. I'm tired of having to prove myself to anyone who touches me, I'm not an animal or deranged lunatic.
You know what? Maybe I am a fucking retard. Maybe I am so sick and messed-up, I have no right to be alive. Maybe I just act that way to keep people the hell away from me. In any case, I'm tired of having to prove my worthiness to people who don't deserve my breath or time.
I'm tired of feeling like I have to convince someone my loyalty is true and unchanging. I'm tired of giving only to have nothing returned.
I'm tired of getting the short end of the stick, and feeling as if I should be grateful for the friggin crumbs of attention I get.
I'm tired of people being selfish and lazy, and making me look like the demanding bitch who's never satisfied.
I'm tired of living this bullshit, proving I'm much stronger than I really am.
I'm a tired nothing, waiting for that to be enough for someone else to pick up my burdens.
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I feel myself getting
I feel myself getting lazy. Physically, I'm getting weaker and weaker by the week, and I think it's because I'm trying too hard to keep myself together. I always had to keep things together, and make it look like everything I did had some sort of purpose, with a greater achievement in mind. God-forbid I did something that didn't make complete obvious sense to my parents. I could never understand why they wouldn't want me to be different. Why did I have to be the same as them? What family requires that of the kids? Why would I NOT be different from people who have no blood relationship with me?
I used to pride myself in my differences, because it helped me know who I was inside. But those qualities are the ones my family didn't like, so I tried to change, and be like them. I wanted their acceptance and approval, but there was always fault and flaw to my way of thinking or doing things.
I used to love being away from my house and my family, because I felt like I could finally let-go of the control they had on me and my behavior. My friends got to know me as I really am inside, so friends became my family. Problem is, all my friends had their own families. I was just a friend, an outsider who didn't belong at their kitchen table in the morning.
I'm getting older now, and the years of being so many people, for peace-sake, is finally taking its toll on me. I'm losing my fight, and it's making me lose interest in the people around me. I don't want to be left alone, but I can't always keep the pace of keeping the peace - just to make other people happy and content. I have deep problems that make me sad. I want that sadness to be looked at, without me having to explain why it hurts.
I don't want to become like those who raised me -- unaware and without a care for people who think, feel and do things that are strange and different. Being different is what makes things fun and interesting. Life would not be the same if let myself roll-over and get lazy, so how do I push myself out of this slump? How do I find the fire to get me moving again?