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In the name of WHAT?

Kerry's picture
Sun, 2008-02-10 16:24 - Kerry

There's no hiding the fact that I am a compulsive People-Watcher.  I'm completely facinated by the workings of love-matches, and how they work (or don't work).

Working as a nurse in a hospital, then as a sales associate at Victoria's Secret, I've seen just about every dynamic I can think of co-existing between two (or more) people.  Nothing shocks or surprises me, other than those relationships that seem mutually happy and satisfying well past the "honeymoon stage".

I'm left wondering:  how did they get that?  Did one initiate and convince the other, or was there something deeply bonded between the two people before time and consistency made the relationship deep and reliable?

Is love and match-making an instinct, or do we have to be taught how to love another, so it's safe and satisfying for any given couple?

Comments

Wed, 2008-05-21 10:22 — neophyte

Maybe it's good senses?  I

Maybe it's good senses?  I mean there has to be an element of physical attraction, but I know looks can change just by a person's personality.  I've see great looking guys look like ugly jerks and ugly guys look like sexy heros, so looks don't count for much with me.  I have to like the sound of someone's voice, which I know seems a bit weird.  It's not just the sound, but also how words get pronounced.  That's crazy, isn't it?  I have to like his sense of humor.  I definitely have to like the food he eats.  Even if it's food I never tasted, I like to know he has something I'd be willing to try and like.  Most of all, I really have to like how a man smells for me to even try to get close.  Now that's tricky because men usually smell from either too much showering and heavy cologne, or too little of it! 

I know what attracts me to someone one.  I just don't know what keeps me with someone!

Wed, 2008-05-21 12:26 — Kerry

Hunting Down The Honeymoon-Hounds

It's funny to think of someone addicted to the early-stages of a budding relationship, but I think the fear of real close, trusting intimacy is so deep in some of us, it's easier to be on the prowl than at rest in a relaxed-state.  (I could do the stress-sex hormone reference, but I know that gets old!)

Keeping with someone means "staying".  I laugh at what a horrible command that can read like... because Staying, in my mind, implies stagnation and suffering.  [Hey, if birds do it, and bees do it, why can't we all leave (with the option to return) after a little sex?]

You can look all over the web in marriage/family therapist websites about the honeymoon stage, and how that fun pleasure-receiving stage in a relationship lasts about 6 months. But perhaps one of the best pieces written on this topic was written by a college student:

 As I have an inordinate amount of spare time, which largely consists of some studying mixed-in with the time I spend at the coffee shop musing about little or nothing. My friend Steph is trying to figure out her situation with her current love interest, so I guess that prompted this little post on relationships in general, and honeymoon phases in particular.

So what exactly is the honeymoon phase? Typically found only in longer-term reletionships (this phrase itself is under dispute at times b/c short-term relationships are ALL honeymoon-ish and it's entirety is characterized by a honeymoon-like feeling as opposed to being only a period of time) honeymoon phases are when you are "more in love," "more infatuated," and/or simply "more" of anything in a positive sense.

That might seem confusing, but it makes sense considering that "honeymoon phases" are new and they're exciting. The person, the relationship, it's all new and exciting. During this time, you're more willing to overlook their misgivings and their faults. Each person is more happy during the honeymoon phase b/c that feeling is a really big rush and it can even be like a drug at times. I guess the honeymoon phase ends when you both begin to become more "real," ironically. This isn't to say that you aren't real when you're in the honeymoon stage, but one one is in the act of courtship, one really is on their best behavior and doesn't really let every weird little thing we do out into the world.

Perhaps it's some of these qualities, which contribute to people becoming serial daters or commitment phobics. When a relationship transitions from the honeymoon phase into an interim transitory period and subsequently whatever that couple decides, it can be very difficult and require a large amount of maturity. People can become addicted to the honeymoon phase so much so that they need or want to constantly be meeting and dating new people until that honeymoon phases is over, or even before hand, so that they don't have to deal with this difficulty--OR it could be that they just haven't found someone [or the one] that they feel is worth putting in the effort to make this difficult transition with.

So what is one to make of this? Relationships are messy. The shorter ones tend to be characterized only of good and happy times, typically. If they aren't, then why are people in them? The longer relationships are about more than just happy times and love and such. Long(er) term relationships require much more than just that. Figuring out whether or not that person is something that you are willing to do that with is entirely up to you.

It's really easy to stay with people during the honeymoon phase, but you also don't gain much in terms of finding out who that person really is. Anyone can stay with someone when it's really happy and it's all fun and games. The rewards of going beyond the honeymoon phase do inherently carry more risk, but they also present a greater deal of rewards: namely the possibility of finding the one person that you will love for the rest of your life (if monogomy and marraige are indeed in your vocabulary).  http://mattytang.blogspot.com/2006/10/honeymoon-phases.html