Fear of being "Different"
A common theme written and spoken to me by many has been sexual-strangeness, and finding identity among others. For the abused adoptee, this can become further complicated as tons of associations can become made with gender and sex.
I was wondering how many adults relate to being seen as strange or having a sense of questioned sexual orientation, simply because they don't "fit" a certain profile among their own peers?
Are our mothers responsible for our sense of sexual safety -- if not, who is?
Comments
Fearlessly different
I believe I have always been seen strange in many aspects and especially with regard to sexual orientation. While I have always had a strong desire for intimacy I'm also very scared to initiate it or to open myself towards someone elses initiation. That's why I've never been able to participate in the dating game.
Last couple of years I have quite often been mistaken to be gay. I don't know if it has to do with the fact I am living on my own, never hunting women and never being open towards women on the prowl either. I do know my moves and gestures are not overly male and at times people try to make fun of it. I always let them. There is nothing to defend, i am not afraid to be different.
A function of my own dysfunction
I was reading your response, and something suddenly clicked, why so many women think I'm gay, and it must be because I hate that I was raped!
Just because I have anger in me towards my family doesn't mean I have anger towards an entire gender. That would be stupid, wouldn't it?
?
Do you think the fact your anger is directed towards a family prevents you from having anger towards a gender?
I keep to myself, so most of
I keep to myself, so most of my personal matters remain there. I don't like sharing. That's my problem. I was taught not to care. That's the dysfunction therapists can't seem to get around, so I'm left alone to figure it out.
Ain't adoption and abuse grand, when they're coupled together?
catch 22
How do you do your figuring out? I know for myself I have the tendency too to keep to myself, but as a result some of my personal issues remain unsolved. Especially my fucked up attitude towards initimacy doesn't get any resolution without the help of someone else. How hard I try I can not practice intimacy all by myself.
moving on
for me, I took after the examples I was given of use and abuse. After a while, I got numb to it all and stopped and thought about what the hell I was doing to myself. Writing helps. I would write letters to myself, or I should say would write letters to friends, but never mail them out. I'd keep them as reminders of where I was and what I was doing to myself. Someone had to stop the madness.
It sucks not having someone who cares comfort you, but when there's no one you can trust, you have to learn to count on yourself. That takes time to figure out.
To what purpose?
As much as I have the need to be on my own regularly, it feels like mere survival too. What's the point, when things don't get shared? That's why I always crawl out of my self chosen solitude. I need time to lick my wounds, to come to terms with what haunts me, but in the end I know my place is among people.
dunno
"people"?
I don't know about "people". I'd hate the idea of always being lonely, but I don't like being around people. I don't like them and I don't trust them. They all seem to be liars and cheats and wanting and needing something that makes them insincere. The more you give, the more they will take, raping you of all you have.
i have food to eat. c-ya!
Participation
While I have always had a strong desire for intimacy I'm also very scared to initiate it or to open myself towards someone elses initiation. That's why I've never been able to participate in the dating game.
As a female, it's easy to be passive in the wait-and-date role, but as a male, it's traditionally expected to be more aggressive and "take charge" in relationships, finding (and defining) what it is you want for yourself. Has that been a problem for you?
in a limbo
Being aggressive and taking charge is something I have serious issues with. Somehow it is not in me to do that. Not that I prefer the passive role. When a woman really comes after me, I am way too intimidated to respond. So that usually leaves me in a limbo, not wanting one thing and being afraid of the alternative. The only thing that seems to work for me is a mutual click, without the hunt and prey paradigm rearing its head.
Taking risks and chances
Outside of adopting a child, how do/did your adoptive parents respond to risk-taking?
Mommie's mummy
Oh risk taking was out of the question. I was considered such a precious posession, any risk taking was off limits. At all cost I had to remain a dependable three year old. For a while I felt they better had gotten a mummy. Those never grow up, never require any attention and are not likely to run into trouble.
Friction to reaction?
How did your father react to this?
smooth
My father was all to happy to be off the hook. As long as the wife was happy he was. So he would always take the same stance she did, even when I knew he disagreed.
status-quo
So, if the lady-of-the-house was happy, everyone was happy -- no matter what the cost? Or was there more to it?
Happy childhood
Within the tension between one wanting to be left alone and the other wanting to get unprecedented attention, the best for them was to have me fill the void. So they basically had a happy childhood afterall. They only forgot it was mine to have.
Last, and most important...
in your house, between your parents, was their relationship based on a request/respond reaction to one another or a command/question routine?
sulk
I would say the non-spoken request prevailed. I can't remember either commanding each other or me, but both could really sulk over expectations not being met.
How horrible!
As a mother, I cannot imagine anything more tragic than learning mothering was smothering and suffocating. A woman's love should not be experienced and associated that way! A child should be protected and nurtured, yes, but that needs to be balanced in a way so freedom and wisdom can be felt , expressed and experienced, so flight from the nest is a happy time for everyone because it's how it's supposed to be. Growth and change is part of the expected plan. Every mother should know that.
Did you at least have laughter in your house?
The house of horrors
Relating to so much of Niels' story and family situation, with parents who would sulk and complain when they didn't get what they want, the source of laughter in my house usually had to come from me, which sucked, because as the kid they bought because my own mother didn't want me, that was a huge responsibility having to make sure my parents were happy with me!
Laughter
There was some laughter in the house, usually when my adoptive father was not around. My adoptive mother was very swingy when it came to her mood. When worried, afraid, hysterical, there was no room for fun and laughter, but once she got into a more cheerful mood, there was enough room for laughter.
My adoptive father was more consistent in that sense. He hardly ever laughed around the house and at work only with a fake disposition. He was able to recognize a joke, so to please collegues he would laugh at their jokes, but I could always tell it did not really amuse him. Around the house he probably felt home enough to not being obliged to laugh, except when there were guests, then he would get in his fake mode and pretend to enjoyed himself.
The big difference I see between my adoptive parents is my mother's going from deeply unhappy to truely happy, in either case dominating the scene, where my father was constantly worried and afraid, detaching whenever an emotion would rear its head.