In to see me
Sun, 2007-01-21 15:15 - Niels
from: www.joy2meu.com
The simplest and most understandable way I have ever heard intimacy described is by breaking the word down: in to me see. That is what intimacy is about - allowing another person to see into us, sharing who we are with another person.
Sharing who we are is a problem for codependents because at the core of our relationship with ourselves is the feeling that we are somehow defective, unlovable and unworthy - because of our childhood emotional trauma. Codependency is rooted in our ego programming from early childhood. That programming is a defense that the ego adapted to help us survive. It is based upon the feeling that we are shameful, that we are defective, unworthy, and unlovable. Our codependent defense system is an attempt to protect us from being rejected, betrayed, and abandoned because of our unworthy, shameful being.
We have a fear of intimacy because we were wounded, emotionally traumatized, in early childhood - felt rejected and abandoned - and then grew up in emotional dishonest societies that did not provide tools for healing, or healthy role models to teach us how to overcome that fear. Our wounding in early childhood caused us to feel that something was wrong with our being - toxic shame - and our societal and parental role models taught us to keep up appearances, to hide our shamefulness from others.
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It only takes One
The use of "We"... I'm amazed at how I have always used that word as a means of expressing "Me, and those like Me"... and in order to HAVE intimacy, another person must be involved, in equal measure.
Oddly enough, it's the very word that always got me in trouble at the RAD site and the Adoption Forum!!
As much as I'd like to wholly agree in concept with this article, I find it difficult to swallow this whole Co-Dependency motif for one simple reason: as adoptees, we WERE Dependent upon the parents "chosen' for us. I think, as a result, by some twisted nature, We ARE dependent creatures, by adoption-proxy. There's a difference between Co-dependence ("enabling behavior") versus Mistrusting emotional bonds of attachment. Co-dependence implies the need to abandon Old Patters...
uh... seems a wee bit paradoxical for the abused adoptee's ability to accept intimate relationships, donchya think?
Niels... what did you get from reading this 1400 paged text?
co-dependency and attachment
I think the two themes Co-dependency and attachment are interrelated. I think co-dependency can easily be the outcome of attachment gone wrong. That's why I liked the above article. The following quote sums it up for me.
Whole-hearted effort
I think co-dependency can easily be the outcome of attachment gone wrong
"Something is better than nothing".
Absolutely. In order to gain, something MUST be changed, or get lost.
That's the difference between man and beasts. Only a man needs to be taught how to change his primal need to Leave the attentive needs of the female species.
Women who are fertile-minded, The Change Within is a force not to be fucked, but adored and valued. Love and Need are Natural Attachments because the placenta tells us place and time of Natural Occurance.
But then, look at the bitch I've allowed myself to become, eh?
correct
That's correct. Indeed, my reference to co-dependency is not at all related to the topics ppl discusses. If you want to i can remove the article.
No one can remove the written past...
....but I do think we can all change our ideas and create new ideals for ourselves, based on personal reflection. I think your efforts and shared opinions reflect something really significant... and awesome!
Through the use of previously printed and published material used by "The Professionals", you are illustrating how the adult RAD reads things "differently".
I personally think the lost-connection we ALL seek is the connection to and through another person & perspective. Gender should not determine that ability to Connect, because in the family dynamic, a child needs a father AND a mother. BOTH genders have qualities each child needs to become Whole.
Natural Supply and Demand: when one side demands, the other side should supply the appropriate resources to fulfill that need.