What person doesn't try to fill a loss with some act of immediate replacement? What's the number one suggested "cure" to the grieving person who just lost a beloved family pet? "You should go out right now and buy a new one!". Have your dog or cat or bird or lizzard replaced with a new one, because unlike people, pets are replacable, right?
Perhaps the bigger question is, how were we taught, as children, to tackle difficult situations, that carry lots of stress and difficulty with them?
I was taught by example. "Ignore it, it will go away". "That's someone else's job to fix it". "When in doubt, pout and cry, and let someone else give it a try"
I was also sickened by these examples, because they depended upon the mercy of another human being to fix big adult problems that scared me. That human being, far too often, was me, the adopted child in a highly dysfunctional family. Looking back, no parent taught me how to sustain a safe, secure, unquestioned and unconditional loving relationship with me. I had to teach myself how to become that, for my own children's sake... because they deserve better than what I was given through adoption.
I wouldn't wish that role on anyone. Ever.
I just recently read an article on the how divorce affects the adult man, called Sudden Divorce Syndrome. I wonder how similar in concept it is to the article I posted last year, titled Abandoned Baby Syndrome?
I learned to count on what's reliable, and always there for me. I'm not stupid; only desperate (sometimes.) I'm learning how not to be so hungry and desperate. It's not easy.
I think people are turned off when they meet a desperate person. Like the desperate female who is nearing 30 and
has not married and everyone is trying to hook her up with a "nice" guy. To me this is a lose/lose situation.
How can we appear less desperate and more approachable? Is it being in the right place at the right time, or is
there something really important we need to be aware of and working hard to fix?
I am too much of a caregiver and find myself wanting to mother/smother people; or else the opposite by running
and hiding. Where is the middle ground my therapist was always talking about? His idea was that I was too
damaged to even be in a relationship but I always thought he was full of shit!
Neophyte said: "I learned to count on what's reliable, and always there for me."
What is reliable?
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy
I believe "reliable" relates to the feelings associated with cause and effect... if something is reliable, that means it will gives the same result time after time.
For instance, if I know a glass of wine will always relax me while I'm making dinner, I know my glass of wine is a reliable source of comfort. When I seek this sort of relaxation, I'm not looking for the socially correct answer, but what feels good during a minor storm and moment of need. [I'll be honest, I have all sorts of "Old reliables"... so when one doesn't work, I simply go to another, hoping that next trick will hit the spot for me.... and for the record, not all tricks that bring me pleasure or comfort have anything to do with drugs, alcohol, food or sex!]
I see this "seeking the reliable" behavior as being very different from "turning to an addiction". Some people look to people for a reliable source of comfort... many of us had to rely on things, instead.
I have truly, never met a person I could say was reliable. But in my mind, that is exactly what I am searching for: a
reliable person to share time with in a healthy relationship. As unreliable as I am; not being able to give the same result time after time, how can I believe another person could "be there for me?" I find people very selfish and uninterested
in being a reliable source of comfort. And I am always triggered into being the caregiver which makes me to be the one
to bring the comfort; leaving me alone and angry, once again.
How do I stop being the caregiver and let another person know I have needs?
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy
I never knew I assumed the role of "nurturer/care-giver" until I found myself a few years ago taking care of all these wives and kids, as personal favors to men. [One can read all sorts of wacky-unmet needs in that one!] Rather than feeling good about myself, I ended-up resenting the crap out of those who couldn't take care of their own problems.
I always said yes. I never said no, and I thought if everybody else was happy, that would be enough for me.
The truth is, I was an angry martyr, and I NEVER spoke up! [Of course, this was my role/duty as a child, too... "take care of the woman and her problems, so the man could have time to himself". I just didn't realize how warped my aparents silent dysfunctional relationship really messed me-up, as well.]
Like you, I had no people in my life I could rely on, because I was the one so many relied upon! I learned to comfort myself through writing. On paper (or a computer screen) I would vent my anger and frustration, and all the thoughts and feelings I kept inside could then be unleashed for me to read later, in private. Eventually I got brave enough to join websites, and there I began to open up to complete strangers about problems I was having. [I wrote a piece on this, actually: "Love At First Write" http://poundpuplegacy.org/node/19222]
Still, I found myself very alone, because there was so much I needed to share, but no one was willing to stay and take care of the issues I was presenting.
I don't know which came first, my own personal admission that I wanted/needed people to be a part of my life, or the head injury that left me literally speechless for weeks, but somehow, somewhere things began to sink in deeply for me: I needed to communicate my wants and needs in ways so others could understand I need help understanding how it feels to get back all that I give.
Now, for some, writing is really difficult to do, but I do strongly believe writing things down, (before speaking) does indeed help. After all, sending a letter (that took days for me to write, edit and re-write) is a lot easier for me than to sit and talk about a personal problem with a person who has upset or angered me.
Comments
Filling the Voids
What person doesn't try to fill a loss with some act of immediate replacement? What's the number one suggested "cure" to the grieving person who just lost a beloved family pet? "You should go out right now and buy a new one!". Have your dog or cat or bird or lizzard replaced with a new one, because unlike people, pets are replacable, right?
Perhaps the bigger question is, how were we taught, as children, to tackle difficult situations, that carry lots of stress and difficulty with them?
I was taught by example. "Ignore it, it will go away". "That's someone else's job to fix it". "When in doubt, pout and cry, and let someone else give it a try"
I was also sickened by these examples, because they depended upon the mercy of another human being to fix big adult problems that scared me. That human being, far too often, was me, the adopted child in a highly dysfunctional family. Looking back, no parent taught me how to sustain a safe, secure, unquestioned and unconditional loving relationship with me. I had to teach myself how to become that, for my own children's sake... because they deserve better than what I was given through adoption.
I wouldn't wish that role on anyone. Ever.
I just recently read an article on the how divorce affects the adult man, called Sudden Divorce Syndrome. I wonder how similar in concept it is to the article I posted last year, titled Abandoned Baby Syndrome?
reliability
I learned to count on what's reliable, and always there for me. I'm not stupid; only desperate (sometimes.) I'm learning how not to be so hungry and desperate. It's not easy.
You've got a good point there...
Learning to not be so desperate.
I think people are turned off when they meet a desperate person. Like the desperate female who is nearing 30 and
has not married and everyone is trying to hook her up with a "nice" guy. To me this is a lose/lose situation.
How can we appear less desperate and more approachable? Is it being in the right place at the right time, or is
there something really important we need to be aware of and working hard to fix?
I am too much of a caregiver and find myself wanting to mother/smother people; or else the opposite by running
and hiding. Where is the middle ground my therapist was always talking about? His idea was that I was too
damaged to even be in a relationship but I always thought he was full of shit!
Neophyte said: "I learned to count on what's reliable, and always there for me."
What is reliable?
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy
"Reliability"
I believe "reliable" relates to the feelings associated with cause and effect... if something is reliable, that means it will gives the same result time after time.
For instance, if I know a glass of wine will always relax me while I'm making dinner, I know my glass of wine is a reliable source of comfort. When I seek this sort of relaxation, I'm not looking for the socially correct answer, but what feels good during a minor storm and moment of need. [I'll be honest, I have all sorts of "Old reliables"... so when one doesn't work, I simply go to another, hoping that next trick will hit the spot for me.... and for the record, not all tricks that bring me pleasure or comfort have anything to do with drugs, alcohol, food or sex!]
I see this "seeking the reliable" behavior as being very different from "turning to an addiction". Some people look to people for a reliable source of comfort... many of us had to rely on things, instead.
People...
I have truly, never met a person I could say was reliable. But in my mind, that is exactly what I am searching for: a
reliable person to share time with in a healthy relationship. As unreliable as I am; not being able to give the same result time after time, how can I believe another person could "be there for me?" I find people very selfish and uninterested
in being a reliable source of comfort. And I am always triggered into being the caregiver which makes me to be the one
to bring the comfort; leaving me alone and angry, once again.
How do I stop being the caregiver and let another person know I have needs?
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy
The lost art of communication
I never knew I assumed the role of "nurturer/care-giver" until I found myself a few years ago taking care of all these wives and kids, as personal favors to men. [One can read all sorts of wacky-unmet needs in that one!] Rather than feeling good about myself, I ended-up resenting the crap out of those who couldn't take care of their own problems.
I always said yes. I never said no, and I thought if everybody else was happy, that would be enough for me.
The truth is, I was an angry martyr, and I NEVER spoke up! [Of course, this was my role/duty as a child, too... "take care of the woman and her problems, so the man could have time to himself". I just didn't realize how warped my aparents silent dysfunctional relationship really messed me-up, as well.]
Like you, I had no people in my life I could rely on, because I was the one so many relied upon! I learned to comfort myself through writing. On paper (or a computer screen) I would vent my anger and frustration, and all the thoughts and feelings I kept inside could then be unleashed for me to read later, in private. Eventually I got brave enough to join websites, and there I began to open up to complete strangers about problems I was having. [I wrote a piece on this, actually: "Love At First Write" http://poundpuplegacy.org/node/19222]
Still, I found myself very alone, because there was so much I needed to share, but no one was willing to stay and take care of the issues I was presenting.
I don't know which came first, my own personal admission that I wanted/needed people to be a part of my life, or the head injury that left me literally speechless for weeks, but somehow, somewhere things began to sink in deeply for me: I needed to communicate my wants and needs in ways so others could understand I need help understanding how it feels to get back all that I give.
Now, for some, writing is really difficult to do, but I do strongly believe writing things down, (before speaking) does indeed help. After all, sending a letter (that took days for me to write, edit and re-write) is a lot easier for me than to sit and talk about a personal problem with a person who has upset or angered me.