What person doesn't try to fill a loss with some act of immediate replacement? What's the number one suggested "cure" to the grieving person who just lost a beloved family pet? "You should go out right now and buy a new one!". Have your dog or cat or bird or lizzard replaced with a new one, because unlike people, pets are replacable, right?
Perhaps the bigger question is, how were we taught, as children, to tackle difficult situations, that carry lots of stress and difficulty with them?
I was taught by example. "Ignore it, it will go away". "That's someone else's job to fix it". "When in doubt, pout and cry, and let someone else give it a try"
I was also sickened by these examples, because they depended upon the mercy of another human being to fix big adult problems that scared me. That human being, far too often, was me, the adopted child in a highly dysfunctional family. Looking back, no parent taught me how to sustain a safe, secure, unquestioned and unconditional loving relationship with me. I had to teach myself how to become that, for my own children's sake... because they deserve better than what I was given through adoption.
I wouldn't wish that role on anyone. Ever.
I just recently read an article on the how divorce affects the adult man, called Sudden Divorce Syndrome. I wonder how similar in concept it is to the article I posted last year, titled Abandoned Baby Syndrome?
I learned to count on what's reliable, and always there for me. I'm not stupid; only desperate (sometimes.) I'm learning how not to be so hungry and desperate. It's not easy.
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Filling the Voids
What person doesn't try to fill a loss with some act of immediate replacement? What's the number one suggested "cure" to the grieving person who just lost a beloved family pet? "You should go out right now and buy a new one!". Have your dog or cat or bird or lizzard replaced with a new one, because unlike people, pets are replacable, right?
Perhaps the bigger question is, how were we taught, as children, to tackle difficult situations, that carry lots of stress and difficulty with them?
I was taught by example. "Ignore it, it will go away". "That's someone else's job to fix it". "When in doubt, pout and cry, and let someone else give it a try"
I was also sickened by these examples, because they depended upon the mercy of another human being to fix big adult problems that scared me. That human being, far too often, was me, the adopted child in a highly dysfunctional family. Looking back, no parent taught me how to sustain a safe, secure, unquestioned and unconditional loving relationship with me. I had to teach myself how to become that, for my own children's sake... because they deserve better than what I was given through adoption.
I wouldn't wish that role on anyone. Ever.
I just recently read an article on the how divorce affects the adult man, called Sudden Divorce Syndrome. I wonder how similar in concept it is to the article I posted last year, titled Abandoned Baby Syndrome?
reliability
I learned to count on what's reliable, and always there for me. I'm not stupid; only desperate (sometimes.) I'm learning how not to be so hungry and desperate. It's not easy.