Sexual Anxiety
Today in an IM with Kerry she asked me what was the baseline for sexual anxiety as to age when it presents itself. I told her I remembered being in primary school. I must have been 9 or 10 at the time. At birthday parties were kissing games and when I heard about that I made sure I wasn't invited That was one of the first times I felt sexual anxiety, I believe.
- Add new comment
- 240 reads
Comments
invite?
You mean boys were INVITED to attend? I was always led on to believe like it was some great idea, just to pass the time among the neighborhood boys. Of course, looking back, I should never have been in a basement alone with a bunch of boys. But then escape is Escape... until someone gets caught.
The Exact Moment
I think the moment a person feels as if he/she is being touched in a way that "doesn't feel right"... THAT'S when Sexual Anxiety begins.
I was nine. Although I have vague memories of always feeling creepy around certain adults in my life. Whether nine was the age I was betrayed or not, I don't know... it's simply the year I remember most. It's the sensory flashbacks that hurt me the most. They remind me: "There's more to the story..."
I hate knowing There's More.
I blame my mother for not protecting me, and making me feel like I had no place to go to discuss my feelings. Everything in my parent's life had to be kept A Secret...
As a result, there are secrets that have already gone to the grave, and there is nothing I can do about it anymore.
stress and anxiety
My first sexual experience was rape, at the age of 7 or 8. I was raped repeatedly by different family-members. Over many years, I learned there was no safe place, no safe person. Everyone wanted sex, and being adopted made it easier for them to do it. I was an easy target because I was not related and I was a child. I have to keep reminding myself that, because it's the only way I can justify, or explain, what they did, and why; I need to remind myself I'm not to blame for what was done to me.
I learned to expect violence and roughness. I was never disappointed. That's not true. The women. They were nice to me, but they were very manipulative, too. I fucking hate them more for that. They lied and used nice excuses to invade me. They confused me. I can't forgive the manipulation and mind games. Sex I can accept, mind-games I can't.
I get really stressed when someone is nice to me.
I really freak-out when a guy seems to like me, especially if he's cute. I'm certain he's going to use and abuse me. I get so worked-up about this idea that a cute, nice, smart guy will dump me, I make sure I never get asked-out by a cute guy. Crazy, isn't it? I see myself as such damaged-goods, no one in his right mind would want me, so I make sure people see that in me, as a warning to "keep away and off".
I know I'm sabatoging myself. I know I'm creating my own nightmare patterns. I know I'm making my own life miserable.
I don't know how else to live. Relationships scare the hell out of me, but so does being alone.
I know a lot of females who were raped at a young age. They all have husbands who kiss their ass like there's no tomorrow. I don't know how they do it. Where are these types of men, and why do they love to kiss complaining ass?
shit like that pisses me off. How do women get away with that? How and where do women find men who will do everything for them, and still complain and rag about their hard lives and how difficult everything is for them? Don't they realize how miserable they make their man's life? Don't they know what happens when a man has had enough, and he realizes, he hates his bitching bossy wife?
Yea, I have a few sex-issues. I know I do, that's why I don't date anymore. It's much safer that way, for everyone.