The Bleeding Grounds

Have you done any of the following forms of punishment to yourself?

Kerry — Sat, 28 Jul 2007 06:26:30 -0600

* picked at wounds, "to see if it hurts"\n* pulled your own body hair out\n* banged or punched body parts\n* used fire or knives to test pain\n* tasted caustic/dangerous/poisonous substances out of "curiosity"\n* deprived myself of food or sex\n* I have done more than one choice\n

RADical thinking

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The Criminal Mind

Wanting What I Can't Have

Kerry — Wed, 26 Mar 2008 17:26:06 -0600

For the past few years, I've been really struggling with what would make me feel among the living and happy. On paper, I have all the qualifying tangibles for "happily ever after", but the missing gaps (like personal intimacy) are so huge, I can't seem to grasp any sense of peaceful closure, acceptance or security for myself.

I am this huge gaping cancerous void that devours any growth made in moderation. I'm All or None, and in most cases, it is none for me, and all for everyone else.

I can't keep giving, when there is so little left of me.

The Bleeding Grounds

Primal Beings: Rage and Detachment

Kerry — Mon, 12 May 2008 07:45:58 -0600

I have two types of friends: one type thinks and re-thinks everything to death; the other type lives life without doing much heavy thinking because feelings guide their actions.

I'm stuck in the middle, over-thinking my feelings, afraid to do any living that brings me personal happiness. I have been trained to accept crap as a life-long condition, and as long as I detach from the pain, I'm ok.

The Bleeding Grounds

The Wonders of adoption.

kimette — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 23:38:23 -0600

Adoption is wonderful; you can choose the sex of the child!

When she received my picture, she said that she didn’t want a boy (my head was shaved on the picture). She called the adoption agency and told them that she asked for a girl. They replied that it was a girl. She told me she loved me immediately after knowing that I was a girl.

The Bleeding Grounds

Three Days Grace - Animal I Have Become

Kerry — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 09:34:40 -0600

The Official video can be found @ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jbHn1Pgj6Zk

Full lyrics without interruption:
I can't escape this hell
So many times i've tried
But i'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal, this animal)

I can't escape myself
(I can't escape myself)
So many times i've lied
(So many times i've lied)
But there's still rage inside

The Criminal Mind

Men Sexually Abused in Childhood, Survivors

Kerry — Thu, 22 May 2008 03:52:24 -0600

A man climbs up the tree of his life, his own family tree, digging into his memories in order to understand the cause of his difficulties and weariness of life. The difficulties for a male survivor of sexual abuse to share intimacy with his girlfriend.

The Bleeding Grounds

Overcoming the fear that lives inside

Kerry — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 10:52:33 -0600

I think it's safe to say each one of us has hidden fears and insecurities within us. In fact, I cannot imagine anyone being so perfect that deep inside there isn't s single fear related to weakness or personal flaw. [Of course, I could be wrong...!]

My question is, how does the person imobilized by mistrust get over the feelings of fear and angry panic, especially when "change" means "more of the same"?

The Bleeding Grounds

Losing a Parent to Suicide: Reflections of a Brown University Alum

Kerry — Fri, 23 May 2008 12:03:44 -0600

A Daughter's Grief

She learned to cope with her mother’s suicide.
Then everything fell apart.

By Dara Huang '99, '04 MD

My mother hanged herself in the basement of my house. I was 15. This is the most significant event in my life.

The Bleeding Grounds

A Letter From A Birth Mother

Kerry — Wed, 21 May 2008 13:48:45 -0600

A letter from a single un-wed birthmother.
Song is "The Reason" by Hoobastank

The Bleeding Grounds

Letter from an adoptee

Kerry — Wed, 21 May 2008 13:28:07 -0600

May 03, 2008
For people who have been adopted and are having trouble moving past it. I know people will say that you were chosen by someone else, but those homes don't always work out as the best second chance. And sometimes, adoptees get stuck at the part about being left behind.

To all adoptees who are stuck, I understand how you feel because I am adopted too and understand the overwhelming emotions that some people feel. There are adoptees who aren't affected the same way and that's fair, everyone deals differently, so if you are adopted and haven't struggled with it, good for you.

The Bleeding Grounds

Damn if I do... damned if I don't

Kerry — Thu, 15 May 2008 10:38:14 -0600

My first plastic surgery was when was 16. My a.mother agreed, my nose needed improvement. She had said when she saw the first photos of me sent by the adoption agency, I would need a nose-job.... but what she didn't know (?) is how many times my nose was broken between birth and my 16th year.

Intimate relationships

Growing-up, did any of the following abuses take place in your house/family?

Kerry — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 12:15:54 -0700

* Alcohol-abuse\n* Sexual-abuse\n* Physical-abuse\n* Neglect/abandonment\n* None of these\n* More than one of these\n

Child abuse

Accepting goodness and kindness in a world known as The Abyss

Kerry — Fri, 09 May 2008 10:41:10 -0600

I was in my mid-thirties when I first started to hear the soon-to-be reoccurring theme phrase said to me by various new-found friends and strangers: "You deserve better."

"Deserve better"? What does that mean? Don't we get what we "deserve", simply by earning it, ourselves -- or are there certain allowances within our lives that say we deserve something?

RADical thinking

Re-Parenting Myself

Kerry — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 07:52:09 -0600

It's taken me almost 40 years to realize what my life-crisis has always been: I have lost huge pieces of myself to all the adults who have once claimed me. This is hard-core adoption-stuff, mixed with abuses that should no longer matter (but they DO). With claim, comes blame...

Parenting