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Comments
Act v. Actions
At the end of the day, which is more important, completing the sex-act, or having a sense of intimacy with another adult?
Transcience
Having a sense of intimacy with another adult is infinitaly more important, though I recognize in myself point where the completion of the sex-act becomes crucial. That is usually short lived and soon forgotton, while making an intimate connection has lasting importance.
To me...
Completing the sex-act IS the end of the intimacy I crave. I want the before, during and after. I want to be wanted; to
feel the intimacy of giving and taking in a mutual and ongoing bond of a relationship. I remember good sex and the
physical release... I long for it to be a part/sense of intimacy with another adult.
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy
For my anxious, nervous self...
when orgasm becomes the ultimate goal in sex, I get disgusted and I quickly detach. After all, if I can be replaced by a tissue or anything else that can quickly clean a mess... well, that says to me, "nothing personal, but I'm better off without you."
I have many anxieties when it comes to sex... but the more I share my feelings and fears about sex, the more I realize I am not alone.
Is it a man thing...
I've noticed that men are visual which leads them to be to-the-point when it comes to sex. NOT all men, but most
that I have known.
I've had this discussion lately with several women: what is the best sex you remember? Most can't remember, it's
been so long, but the main theme was intimacy/romance being the main thing ignored.
This statement stuck out to me, "If a man loved me just the way I am, I would move heaven and earth to make
him happy."
Getting there is half the fun, IMO. The romance of telling someone what and how you are going to do it to them; details
of what you and they find exciting makes the whole thing more intimate. Getting to know someone's likes and dislikes
is a big part of a relationship.
When you said:
"After all, if I can be replaced by a tissue or anything else that can quickly clean a mess..." hit a BIG raw nerve with me. My evilx was addicted to masturbation and thus could not keep it up with a woman. His idea of sex was mutual masturbation.
There is so much more to it: the words, the anticipation, the romance; which is often forgotten with the mindset on the ultimate goal of orgasm.
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy
problems in the bedroom
I know lots of people who are addicted to orgasm, and the trouble that brings is simple: sex with a person addicted to orgasm is sex that no longer becomes "personal". Sex might be a normal function, but I believe it can quickly and easily become dysfunctional when the feelings of another person no longer matter. [In that sense, I can really understand why so many people get really hurt in the bedroom: don't we all want our thoughts and feelings to matter to another person?]
I think there's a huge difference between having sex for the sake of orgasm, (quick release and relief) and sharing intimate parts and pleasures because it feels good. I definitely believe you can have one without the other.... the trick is finding a partner who shares that same belief.
The hindrance of being a victim...
I agree with what you say, "I definitely believe you can have one without the other...." and here is where I think "really
liking someone" comes in and makes it equal. To listen to and consider another person is an honorable sacrifice,
above selfishness, that makes for the compatibility everyone is looking for... Let's face it, men are seen by some
women as selfish little boys with a personal plaything they don't like to share.
Being sexually addicted to orgasm is the first clue to a person's non-ability to be in a healthy relationship; they already
have a relationship with themselves! This type of person, IMO, is the first I would worry about around children! Even
in a pedophiles life, it really isn't about a child, but the fact that with a child they don't share intimate parts and pleasures because it feels good; a child is not even a human being to them. Isn't this part of why we shudder sometimes when we
try to be intimate with a partner?
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy
fears and terrors
I'm terrified of getting pregnant.
I'm terrified of flash-backs.
I hate what was done to me, so I prefer to keep to myself. It's safer that way.
After my youth in care...
After my youth in care... sex is not something I participate in I experienced enough of it as a child in the upper-class's hands....... plus last time I did..I ended up having a kid I was labeled a drug addict and dragged over the coals...and he was stolen...so... no more kids.... no more sex... it's the price to pay for being poor here... when the poor have a child... most of the time it just goes to the rich... As it has been made clear to us the poor can't raise their own children...all we are good for is doing the shit jobs no one else wants... By not having sex or kids I do not become a resource to be exploited by the upper-class...... It sucks... but having your child stolen and dragged into the courts of the upper-class is worse... especially when pedophiles and rapists have more rights in their court rooms then you do. It's just twisted... and sick but I guess I can't expect better then that from those kinds of people...
OOOOOOOO.......... the truth just burns don't it?
Most of us who grew up in foster care who ending up finding out their pregnant or their partner are just terminate it... to save the child and themselves from that experience.. Their are those of us who are 13th generation foster kids... some of us were even born and bread in the system... to help supply the upper-class with children...
They call it foster care we call it a human kennel...
Hence why I love this sites name...it hits the nail right on the head....
The broken experience
I know a lot of people, myself included, who found it's best to not have sex because it causes more problems than it's worth. [I don't need an orgasm to feel good, and because I never craved orgasms, I guess in some minds, that made me not normal or fun to keep in bed.] I can't help but think this is one of the very cruel legacies abuse brings the adult who was abused as a child... our wants and needs have gotten so misunderstood, all that could be done is to refuse any and all our inner wants and needs.
Because we were saved by hands that hurt us, we have become terrified of physical intimacy; because our needs are different, sex with an average partner becomes a very solitary experience.
I think celibacy is fine if it's a personal choice, but tragic if it's an act done because of fear.
Aaahhhh, celibacy...
And in my 18 years of celibacy, I have learned to be numb; until now that I wish to NOT be celibate and find that numbness
is a curse.
Yes, I am terrified of physical intimacy. I even own a name-brand vibrator and don't use it... I wonder if I'm too warped to
even give myself release.
."..our wants and needs have gotten so misunderstood, all that could be done is to refuse any and all our inner wants and needs."
Inner wants and needs. To be held and nurtured? To feel safe and not used? To feel normal feelings?
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy
the fear of release...
I really relate well to your comment:
When you think about it, if that isn't a "control issue", I don't know what is!!
I wonder if it is because...
it makes me feel like the ones who abused me? My evilx's addiction to orgasm/masturbation makes me physically
ill to even think about; besides the fact that he used my daughter, which makes me homicidal!
I just don't want to be "like them." And so I spent 18 years doing without because I taught myself that to give myself
release was sick, just like sick perverts...
Can you relate to this?
"I can be changed by what happens to me, I refuse to be reduced by it." M.A.
One Step Up From Bottom
Teddy
"just like them"
Yes, I very much understand how revolting it is to be "just like them". [Isn't it odd how you felt that about your natural family, and I felt that towards my adoptive one... and when you add "sexual conquests" to that weird little list, becoming just a number, or "one of them" takes on all sorts of new and different connotations.] The last thing you want to be is an animal... and yet that's exactly how you were treated.
The challenge is for you to separate from that pattern, and your task is to find ways to change your beliefs.
As an adult, you have to believe you have the power to choose what it is that you want for yourself. You do not have to be a slave to the choices made by others, and with that, I think it's possible to find your own personal freedom from all that sickens and repulses you. I suggest you don't let fear be your guide, but use open possibilities as your path to new feelings.