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Ramblings from the original pup
Thu, 2007-11-08 01:34 - originalpup
Oh, how true the name is.
I was asked to "blog" my thoughts as to the scary idea that it help help someone. With my current mood though, I would be extremely surprised if someone wanted to take the time and actually read this.
And now that I have sat down to turn my thousand of incomplete thoughts that are racing around in my mind at the same time, they are failing me to form a complete thought so I can put them up on the screen. *Warning, if you read this and you are a perfectionist for grammer and spelling....please turn away. When I write like this, most of the rules get thrown out the window.*
To be honest, I'm in "I don't want to talk to people" mood. I know, everyone gets in that mood. One of those, everyone can just kiss my a@@ or go f-off. Why is it when I reach out for people when I need them.......no one. But then the next day when it is convienient(sp) for THEM, everyone wants to talk. Sorry, but it's too f-n late. I needed your "touch" YESTERDAY!! And when someone says, I'll call you right back...that means RIGHT back not 24 hours later.
The biggest problem is that I know that this mood cycles around. I KNOW it. If you ask another pup, I am usually one of the most level headed puppies around. I can control the highs and lows. I find ways to stay at sea level and not rise to the peak or tumble down to the valley. But, why can't I ever see the tidal wave coming that takes me down to the deep depths of solitude. Why can't I ever prepare myself. I know it's going to show up. And when it hits...I look around for someone to throw me a life jacket.....but no one is there. I look to the edge of the sea as I get pulled down and see nothing. So, I usually run, literally. Running has always been my release, so I went for a run last night. But 'it' was waiting for me when I got back and 'it' hit me square in the face. Once again, I look in my corner...searching for someone to throw in the towel for me.....but no one, so I'm there to take the beating. I know I can get through this 'cycle' but I hate being in it.
Being lonely is bad during this time. Not understand why you can't find someone so you are not lonely is worse. I think I'm a decent guy. I stay in shape, have a decent sense of humor, I don't have three eyes so I'm not truly hideous to look at. Why can't I find someone to share life with?
I'm done...I give up...(and I NEVER give up)
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Comments
Giving-up v. Digging-in
I will use your own words, because they were perfect:
you can't find someone so you are not lonely
too beat up?
sometimes one feels too beat up, too tired to dig in....giving in and being swept out to sea seems like the only thing left to do. Can one be too beat up and too tired to be attractive for someone? I mean, do they look at me and think "he looks too beat down, too drained to even get to know". Maybe they see the hidden lines on my face.
Lines on the face?
I hardly think a person's face determines true beauty or attractiveness, do you?
Perhaps it's the message you're sending through your behavior and conversations with people; maybe that's confusing and conflicting others?(yourself, included).
Before you can share with anyone, you have to be certain you, yourself are whole and repaired.
You can't expect another person to fill the holes and voids someone else left behind. For us Pound Pups, that's a mother-lode, I know... but it's the stuff that needs to be filled and reconciled within ourselves, by ourselves, in our own way.
Are you ready to share THAT aspect with someone? If so, that's your first baby-step in a brave-new world towards a healthy loving relationship... one that just might make you happy.
Even old dogs know how to learn new tricks... they just need the right treat and encouragement.
Original Pup
Hiya Original Pup, I know exactly were your coming from. The cylce is like an invisible sledgehammer, and your whacked before you have time to think. Lonliness is like an unspoken disease (god knows why though). I hate feeling alone but would I ever have the courage to admit it to anyone in the real world, no! People who know me would be shocked if I said i was lonely, they see me as a strong person who doesn't need anyone. Soooo wrong! I want some one and I need some one but I would never ever be able to say it to the real word, its hard enough to admit it to cyber space. Sorry (not that that helps) your in the shitty cycle and hope it doesn't last too long. You don't know me from Adam but If ever you want to chat or just rant even just say the word and I will chat with you.
Love tina
Watch out
Hi Tina,
From your name though I wouldn't know you from Eve but could figure out you were not Adam. I am probably the master at putting the mask on and making sure everyone around me is happy only to neglect myself. Does anyone know how neglected my inner self really is? Oh no....and I wouldn't dare directly expose how vulernable I really am. BUT (there is always a but isn't there) when I open up just the slightest, the gates open wide and out pours everything. Exposing myself only to have it bite me in the ass later. You would think that after getting bit so many times that A) I would learn or B)The tissue would be hardening and the pain would be less. But no, the flesh is just as fragile as it ever has been.
They say, nice guys finish last and I'm starting to believe it.
going ghost
i'm not animal, i'm just one sent to the slaughter.
i know what going in circles is like.
i was the daughter.