Being a Victim
When reading up on the story of Elyse Schein and Paula Bernstein I came accross an article containing the following fragment:
The women briefly considered legal action, but they didn't pursue it because they do not consider themselves victims.
Of course everyone is free to take legal action or refrain from it, but the reason they give, to me so much expresses the negative connotation the word victim has got. It almost seems as if it is has become a taboo to be a victim.
Probably started to counter act dwelling in victimizations and eternal victimization, the "be strong" power rap seems to rule sovereignly. I don't think there is anything wrong in seeing the victimizion when it is there. So, I do see myself as a victim of mother-child separation, there is no denying that. It has had its influence on me to this very day. I don't want to dwell on it over and over again and I don't relate every set back in my life to being a victim, but that doesn't mean I was not a victim of the circumstances that ruled the first couple of years of my life.
Comments
Victims
The only thing I see wrong in "victims" is hiding the fact that living-proof of us victims exist.
Why should there be shame in being hurt by others?
Blame and names should be cast!
When I hear or read "I am not a victim any longer" I read: "I choose to forget my past"
Shame goes to those who allow anyone to forget what carves the living souls of the survivors who are damned to let others hurt like we were forced to live and bleed.
Victims have no dignity
When one identifies themself as a victim they sacrifice their dignity and any chance at recovering from the event that defeated them. A victim denies responsibility and therefore has no obligation to fix himself. He is entitled to be fixed by society or some others. Of course that will never happen. Victimization is self blame and thats pure shame. Victimization is the ultimate shifting of responsibility for ones own life. Proclaiming oneself as a victim is the end of the story. Thats it there is nowhere to go. Its a dead end of self loathing because the victim really deserves his lot in life. So the victim stews in his anger while he waits for justice that will never come. Being alive starts with the statement that I am not a victim, I will overcome. LIfe isnt fair its free and shit will happen. Declare yourself a vcitim and no one will care. If one doesnt value their own damn self why should anyone else.
Robert Allan Hafetz Not Remembered Never Forgotten PathwaysinAdoptions.com
I was a victim...
I AM a victim of many things.
I am a woman in a man's world.
Yet, I chose to do what I can to make sure NO ONE touches my babies like I was touched.
I'm glad you were not a victim, Bob.
That, by no means makes you a better man.
Remember that.
A better man than who
What makes me a man is my refusal to let others define me. If you define yourself as a victim you will pass that on to your children. What a wonderful gift to bestow on them. Thats why we see the same patterns of parenting handed down from one generatio to the next. Remember that
Robert Allan Hafetz Not Remembered Never Forgotten PathwaysinAdoptions.com
I define myself a Used and Abused Adoptee
My children see that first-hand when they see no birthday cards or calls to me from their living grandparents; they see "abandonment" written all over my face, all over again. Again and again, I feel the pain, of parental loss because it's the pattern that's been well established by them, adoptive parents who could, and should, have spared me to another couple.
My children see a website built and created by a mom who stays home with them and helps them with homework, and cooks hot dinners every night for them, in spite of a brain injury and migraines that make me want to bleed from my eyes and ears.
My children know I will never let what happened to me happen to them, or any other child I can help, as long as I can help from my home and my network of friends willing to help me spread the news that "child placement" is a life-long responsibility that has consequences. Agencies that involve themselves in this practice MUST be accountable for their actions, and must be willing to invest in the life-long health needs of each child being moved away from his/her parents. It's a risky operation, therefore the gamble must be placed on those taking the chance, and messing with nature's order.
It's women's work to send passionate messages, to those willing to listen to the mothers of babies in need.
It's men's work to make sure they are well received, and send those messages further to those who can make change where change is needed.
Where are you in all of this, Bob, cat-boy?
gone but not forgotten
a limerick for all the insensitive dicks out there:
to wallow is to be scared
to swallow is to be screwed
the sperm in my face
a family disgrace
who cares?
obviously not jerks like you!
Pride and Prejudice
Why such a categorical perspective on victimization, Bob? That's exactly the prejudice I tried to address here. It leads to the kind of thinking that either one is a victim, without any dignity and hope of recovery, as you put it, or one is a victor who has risen above it all. I don't think it is all that simple and schematic. There is victimization and not acknowledging that is in my opinion just as harmful as rejecting the responsibility for ones own adult life. It's that black and white reasoning that makes a victim stew in anger or gracefully rise above it. There is also a middle ground in this. In my everyday reality, I experience days I am sad or angry, there are days I feel graceful and free, there are days it just does not apply all that much.
victim
I was a victim from the moment my Sindy nightdress was ejaculated over at the age of 8. Followed by seven years of what became a routine. I have no responsibility to deny. I was not responsible. I refuse to forget because forgetting might just mean I forget about to days victims. Shit like that should never be accepted. It's OK to be a victim and it is more than OK to speak out. It's hard enough for abuse victims to speak out. Should we just tell them shit happens, life's not fair, your not the first so get over yourself.
Ill clarify
How you define yourself and how you act in response to what happened are two different things. You are not responsible for what happened to you but you are responsible to heal yourself. Life isnt fair havent you learned that yet? Dont wait for cosmic justice to save you it isnt comming. You should assert yourself absolutly.
Robert Allan Hafetz Not Remembered Never Forgotten PathwaysinAdoptions.com
yep
Well I have to agree with that at least
Robin
*
> Dont wait for cosmic
Well I have to agree with that at least
Robin
Of course Robin Im saying dont take life as it is, kick it in the teeth, get angry at God, dont be satisfied with what you have, dont take no for an answer, go for want you want. Thats not the way a victim acts. Victims say oh woah is me, pity me feel sorry for me, give me something, its not my fault. Maybe adoptees need a Jessie Jackson or an Al Sharpton. Or maybe we need a BIll Cosby. Compare te two different approches.
Robert Allan Hafetz Not Remembered Never Forgotten PathwaysinAdoptions.com
Correct the clarification, Bob... please!
A child, who is being raped, needs to be healed by her parents, and by medical professionals, not by herself.
How does an adopted child assert herself in that situation, Bob?
Any clue?
A child, who is being raped,
A child, who is being raped, needs to be healed by her parents, and by medical professionals, not by herself.
How does an adopted child assert herself in that situation, Bob?
Any clue?
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Dont you mean has been raped? We assume this is after the fact. The first thing you lean in psychopathology is that patients heal themselves with the exception of psychotics. Our discussion involves trauma. The ultimate act at the foundation of every trauma is the experience of complete helplessness. The opposite of helplessness is assertion. Healthy, directed, assertion. Anger expressed for the sake of anger does nothing. Venting does nothing. Everyone is different so the act of assertion will be different for each person. I had a patient when I was at Foundations who was raped by moms boyfriend. We treated her for months helping her to build strength so she could testify in court against the guy who raped her. We went with her and sat in the court room. What she gained in taking control was 10 years of therapy in 20 minutes. Thats one example. Any self directed positive act or choice is an assertion. As long as it comes from you and you alone. Im not going to take it anymore. I am not a victim is a self defining. Remember when were are attacked we are redefined by the attacker. He makes us a victim. It can be natural to define ourselvs as vicitms to try and understand what happened. Its a form of repitition compulsion and it should be avoided. Being redefined is dissempowering. Empower yourself and define yourself. I am not a victim. But that doesnt mean it didnt happen and it doesnt mean I am going to allow this to happen again. In adoption the disempowering act is our mothers making the choice for us to be placed in another family. We are helpless and cant say anything in our behalf. It cant be undone. So then an act of assertion would be to search. Even the choice to search the act itself is an assertion. Thats when emotions begin to come into balance. There is no drug for a primal wound. No DR can make it go away. Each of us has to resolve it our own way or live with it. I say taking control of your life is the place to start. Defining yourself it the first step. Youre a victim already and whats the point in keeping that? Youve done nothing. Victims dont get even they get shit on again and again and again.
Robert Allan Hafetz Not Remembered Never Forgotten PathwaysinAdoptions.com
Acknowledgement
Bob, what textbook claims that acknowledging ones victimization equates a docile waiting for cosmic justice to take place? I don't buy into this black and white reasoning. Acknowledging ones victimization is not at all the same as defining oneself as the eternal victim. When we let go the notion of the victim, there is no ground to call anyone the perpetrator of wrong doings either.
I agree with that
My focus was on the self defeat of defining of oneself as a victim not pretending it never happened. It can be a fine line and easily crossed. Niels your last sentence is black and white thinking. Lets not get caught up in semantics. What we are saying now is essentially the same thing. Catagorical thinking does work best in a crises, while a continuim model of thought works better on analysis. Its all a matter of what works at the time.
Robert Allan Hafetz Not Remembered Never Forgotten PathwaysinAdoptions.com
Victim identity is self inflicted shame
Sometimes catagorical thinking is the best way out of a crises. It does exists for a reason. One can be victimized and not see themselves as a victim. The difference is that defining oneself as a victim makes the victim responsible for the act. The focus should be on the act. In other words external rather than internal. This is also the difference between guilt and shame. Victims feel shame when a resiliant mind feels guilt. Its the mindset that leads the way to resolution and happiness. You know I have been broke and in debt but never have I been poor. Whats difference? How I define myself in that situation. Yes it is catagorical thinking I leave no room for partiality. I am not a little poor. When I coached wheelchair atheletes for Magee I can tell you that if you refered to them as victims they would have rammed their wheelchair into you. The ones who saw themselves as victims died young and were chronically depressed. Would you wear a T shirt that proclaimed to the world I am a victim of adoption? Maybe a cup with pencils to go with it would be a great accessory. Everything begins from how you define yourself. I am a human being and I am no victim. Shit happened to me and I have overcome it. I dont smear it all over myself and wear it like a badge. You are or your not.
Robert Allan Hafetz Not Remembered Never Forgotten PathwaysinAdoptions.com