Pound Pup Legacy

I began my study of Adoption & its affect on human behavior over five years ago. It (the carnage) had no name that read: Reactive Attachment Disorder. To this day, I still challenge the act and process that describes a system that has broken the lives and families of billions of babies.  Adoption , as it exists, requires more adaptations to more people than it is worth!

I grew-up in a very old-world traditional family, where "good girls" don't behave in a way that would bring shame or embarrassment to the family name.

Oddly enough, I was birthed by a woman who, according to my amother, had no morals. It seems the only decent thing my mother did was not have an abortion.

I find myself being forced-back in memory, and the pain and grief I see is that of a silent child's written distraction.  [Oddly enough, I feel nothing, and the intensity of this nothingness is growing day-by-day.]
 

I just read something that sent chills down my spine:

This past week my family and I took a  holiday trip to Cancun, Mexico.  It's the first "vacation" we have taken in many years, so all four heathens were besides themselves with excitement.  [I envy their ability to be excited about things...]

I can't ever remember a time in my life when I didn't use reading or writing as my emotional escape.  Books have always been very attractive to me, and a person's writing could either make me fall in love, or dream of a better way to keep my solitary-self busy, active and occupied.   Yes, for me, words have always had great personal meaning to me... because words and meanings are things I can keep and follow.

I have an unnatural need to know what makes a healthy-relationship So.  Call it obsession, call it addiction, call it having-too-much-time-on-my-hands, but the quest for wholeness in my mind goes far beyond my laundry-list of adoption issues -- my quest is simply all rooted and stemed from them!

So... I find the following article written by a man, (I'm assuming, but these days, who knows anymore?).  And he offers some friendly advice in terms of finding/attracting a certain-type of female.

Coffee, cookies, chocolate.  Sports, sex, smoking,  Drugs, diets, drinking.  Pick a demon, any demon.... which one claims the life of someone you know?  Add a dick; shun.  Addiction.

I have two types of friends:  one type thinks and re-thinks everything to death; the other type lives life without doing much heavy thinking because feelings guide their actions.

I'm stuck in the middle, over-thinking my feelings, afraid to do any living that brings me personal happiness.  I have been trained to accept crap as a life-long condition, and as long as I detach from the pain, I'm ok.

I was in my mid-thirties when I first started to hear the soon-to-be reoccurring theme phrase said to me by various new-found friends and strangers:  "You deserve better." 

"Deserve better"?  What does that mean?  Don't we get what we "deserve", simply by earning it, ourselves -- or are there certain allowances within our lives that say we deserve something?